Sunday, May 8, 2011

Turns Out Nudity Was An Option

It just wasn't my option.

Have you ever tried to dance to 1930s tunes while a gold man with dreadlocks and a wildly flailing todger boogies on down next to you?

Have you ever sung along to Bugsy Malone while a transvestite who looks cuter than you in a dress flashes some thigh by the bar?

Have you ever tried to look comfortable whilst simultaneously keeping both nipples inside the corset you borrowed from a Polly Pocket?

Have you ever thought to yourself "Everyone here has made a real effort to dress the part", and then turned round to see a guest with grey hair completely naked trying to dance with your confused friend. Have you then turned the other way to see a man in a string vest, leather trousers and Futurama mask?

Have you ever used so many rhetorical questions that you've largely forgotten what your point was?

I tried my best to boogie on down with the best of them - I have learnt some important things about myself... including that I will try and touch a bottom if it's out in public, I am not a natural ballroom dancer and that I have a tendency to look like a miserable cow as soon as someone produces a camera...

I felt a little sorry for most of the people in the vicinity when I tried to dance - if it wasn't a stray boob trying it's best to act as an unwanted air bag, it was an elbow attempting to cause ferocious nose bleeds. I had to make my apologies and tell the unfortunate "Ewan" (my second dance partner of the evening) that I was leaving when I'd shuffled my way through two songs with him and then felt like if I stayed any longer I was going to break a couple of his toes. I think he was relieved but to be honest the tears in his eyes had been there since one of carefully curled and hairsprayed ringlets had hit him early on in our tango.

Oh, and a quick note on corsets - WHAT THE FRIGGING HELL? Who thought that it would be a good  idea to invent an item of clothing that encourages your spleen to rent the back of your throat as a summer house? Breathing is an important part of my day to day life - something that the man who invented the corset clearly capitalised on... "I know, let's form an outfit that forces the breasts up into the nostrils as soon as you take in air." Brilliant. Thanks for that - never trying that as an ensemble again. I felt like I ought to be wearing a badge that said 'wench' and possibly carrying steins of beer. I think it's best to leave the corsets and the dancing to graceful people. I'll stick to my soapbox and shorts thanks.


  1. loved you at hampton hill when you compered for maff!!

  2. The Spleen/Throat line...golden, I laughed out loud. Thank-you!