Wednesday, May 25, 2011

FA Super Injunctions Hit Home

In an unprecedented turn of events, the FA have taken out a superinjunction against anybody suggesting there might be footballers capable of achieving well in the sport without falling balls deep into a scrotty D-List pair of hooters at some point in their career.

The British media has been gagged from even hinting that some people might be interested, let alone capable, of playing football for the sheer joy of the game. An FA spokesman was quoted as saying "In this modern age of online media, social networking and 24 hour partying, it is ridiculous to suggest anybody becomes a professional footballer because they like the game. We have spent hundreds of years purposefully simplifying what was already a mindnumbingly puerile concept, so that people would be able to focus on the disgusting revelations surrounding the sport rather than the game."

He went on to say - "The only reason we continue to include the offside rule is so that these grotesque players can use it as a stubbornly nauseating flirtation device. Football is barely a good game for a playground, let alone a National Sport to be televised and lauded as a worldwide phenomenon. Without the surrounding hotel escapades, drug abuse and wife beating, we would have nothing."

"We would be foolish to continue to allow ludicrous rumours and reports of happily married footballers going home faithfully to their wives and children. If the public though for a minute that this was the secret other side of football, then we may as well encourage them all to watch cricket. We've seen where a clean reputation can get you - Flintoff can steal as many pedaloes as he likes, but without snorting cocaine off the laminted chest of a purpose built granny hooker, cricket will never be the national sport."

The FA's controversial super injunction came after a week of lurid revelations about its star players. One footballer's wife broke down in tears after it was revealed that her husband frequently offered to cook the family meals and often played board games with their youngest child.

"I don't know what we're going to do." She wept, "Our future plans are in tatters. It's almost like the world is suggesting I'm not worth cheating on. If these claims carry on there's going to be no story to sell and no University money for the kids. I'm devastated. I might as well have married for love."

Meanwhile, University applications have shot up across the country as air headed fuck head wannabes everywhere realised that they may actually need to develop a career plan if these scandalous football players continue to behave like normal human beings.

Chanel Number 5, 22 from Dagenham, revealed that she may now "read some books or something" after her plans to spread her legs and hope for the best were dashed by the recent allegations.

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