Tuesday, May 3, 2016

8 Ways My Thighs Could Ruin Your Life

Never Write Angry.

I know that. I honestly do know that, so please don't think I don't know that as I absolutely do that right now...

I just stepped out of my front door to go to the post office. Not that it matters but I was in a knee length summer dress with bare legs and a pair of Birkenstocks. Oh thanks babe, yeah, they're new.

As I walked away from my house a man walked in the other direction and said:

"Your thighs just ruined my day."

I was too shocked to say anything back, I briefly turned round to sort of check if he was talking to me and he made a horrid face and walked away.

I wish I'd been able to get my mouth in gear quick enough to speak to him but I didn't. So, I will now...

I wish I'd been quicker to apologise to him on behalf of my thighs. Thighs so brilliant they can ruin a day just by having their outline glimpsed through a summer dress. Oh thanks babe, yeah, it's from Summerhill Boutique a few years ago. Thighs so brilliant that they have never, ever broken or needed plugging in to recharge in the 29.5 years they've worked every day of.

If I'd known my thighs were this powerful I'd have been more careful about exposing them to weaker members of the human race who are so vulnerable to thigh decimation.

I suspect what you meant, oh stranger in the street, was that my thighs didn't look how you'd prefer a lady thigh to look as it decorates your world. Well, for that I am not sorry in the slightest. I will use this opportunity to help educate you.

If your day was ruined by the look of my thighs, I'd like you to have a look at this list of other dangers that my thighs could pose to you that might be a higher threat level than them just not being the sort of thing you'd like to put your dick between.

1. A thigh held tightly across your airways for a sustained period of time until you are no longer breathing. The fleshier the thigh the easier to make an airtight cover. Run for your life because I've been training my entire life for this eventuality.

2. My thigh accidentally winning an election because it was the only thing running that didn't blame any of societies issues on people of a different race to it. My thigh would then immediately draw up legislation on not giving unsolicited opinions on how people look in the street.

3. My two thighs slapping happily together as I walk down the street and accidentally causing the death of a nearby butterfly, a tsunami in Asia and the collapse of the housing market wherever you happen to own property.

4. Weapons of Mass Destruction being found in my cellulite. Well, it's more plausible than some of the places they've been claimed.

5. My thigh being so repugnantly fascinating that you accidentally forget to keep walking and get mowed down in traffic by a driver seemingly also unable to go about his day while two thighs as distracting as mine are in the vicinity.

6. Your book of poetry about how your parents never supported your dreams as a child getting rejected because you've gone home today and written yet another miserable one on account of how much my thighs brought you down.

7. My thighs being disinclined to help you and walk to a pay phone should the rest of me ever see you in need of the emergency services.

8. My thighs being the thing I use to walk me on stage tonight where you will just be material to me, helping me earn money while you are still a sad, angry man who doesn't understand a world that's not entirely for his pleasure.