Sunday, May 22, 2011

Sick - Sick All Over

I am so full of snot that if I died now and got mummifed and people dug me up in a couple of hundred years they would think I was a whole new species that spat snot at people in a defense mechanism. The fact that I died sad and alone by my laptop would prove the point that creatures full of snot do not attract fellow creatures to hang out with them. They will think that the snot has the potential to power my laptop and that I had to periodically sneeze into the disc drive to keep the screen alive.

If the snot ever dries up I'm not sure how I'm going to cope. I've even started talking to it. Been singing it lullabyes, been stroking it... been moulding versions of my loved ones out of some of the more malleable snot. I have so much snot I could open up a snot emporium and rival Harrods with my business and the number of well dressed tourists coming my way. People would be queueing up and down Old Kent Road with buckets, just trying to catch a drop of my snot.

The problem is that the snot is so heavy it's giving me a headache. This means my head needs to be on something soft and this has resulted in boredom so intense that not even my aquarium is shifting the malaise. I have barely spoken to anyone all day, I've hardly moved and I don't have any plans this evening. This is not a good state of affairs. I predict that by 9pm I will have managed to animate the snot people and make them dance while I cackle maniacally and shred the yellow pages in a bid to detroy capitalism.


I'm petrified to go outside because I am scared of wind and there is more wind outside than there is snot in my head. Wind is the sneakiest of all weather forms and I simply will not allow it bamboozle me in the way it is messing with my neighbours. I am staying firmly indoors with my snot and my boredom. But I am still bored. I'm frightened I will never stop being bored because the boredom has settled to such depths that when they find my mummified body they'll think that boredom and snot went hand in hand and that everyone in my little snot species was glazed eyed and lethargic.

If there is anyone out there with the capacity to bring some form of entertainment into my world in the next few hours I'll be eternally grateful. I might even make you your own snot person. I'm kind like that.

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