Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Laura Lexx on Men

At this point I feel it's only fair to point out I'm not sure if I really will be talking about men in this blog but I was in the kitchen trying to work out what to write about and I thought of this title and then thought I would like to turn it into a picture book. I find the idea of just touring the world and finding different men to stand on and then taking a picture very funny. Some could find inventive ways of letting me stand on them, some could not know until the second we took the picture and some people could be blissfully unaware I was even standing on them. Obviously, if there's a famous landmark in the vicinity I'm happy to get that in the picture too so that there's some context but actually it's not very important.

So men, eh? Don't they taste like shit and never fill you up? Eh?

Oh, wait no I think that's aeroplane food actually. Men must be something else. Who cares.

I don't have a problem with men which might turn out to be a massive flaw in this post somewhere along the line. I mean, I have a problem with some men; they're dickheads. But then, equally, I also find a lot of women really twatty. If it makes either gender feel better I dislike children a whole heap more than either of them. With the exception of my nephew Bobber. I feel like children remain quite genderless until teenage years... before that crappy pants can have a peepee stick or a half chewed drumstick in them and they're still awful and not something I want to deal with.

Grown up men I quite like. Especially ones with beards; I'm a grand fan of a good beard. It's my dream to get engaged to a man with a beard so thick he can hide my ring in it and I'll have to forage around in there first before he can propose. He'll turn to me across the dinner table and say;

"Have I got some corn beef in my beard?"

And then I'll have a look and all of a sudden I'll pull out this amazing ring and we'll get married and live happily ever after. Instead of wearing his ring on his finger he might use it to put his beard in a pony tail. That would amuse me greatly and our children would always ask if they could hang off the pony tail. They'd get a beating for that and taught to respect other people's follicles.

I'm in a good place with men at the moment; it's just me and a collective of men all hanging out at Disney land together having an absolute blast. I wish the collective term for a group of men was a beard of men. I think it just sounds right... it sounds like they would all be log cutters and hang out with beer glasses with handles on them smoking cigars. Incidentally, I also love cigar smoke... I think perhaps what I need to do is go and look for a husband in 18th Century Russia. I don't speak Russian so it would be even more likely they'd marry me because I wouldn't have something "smart" to say every time they spoke.

I don't see that there's anything particularly wrong with enjoying being single. It's not like I have the sort of lifestyle that sees me bringing a different man home every night - one of the best outcomes of body dysmorphia is that it can seriously inhibit your slaggishness. I don't like being single because I like sleeping around; I like being single because I like having great relationships with guys that don't get all messed up with emotions.

It has been a severely long time since I met a bloke that made me want all the crap that comes with a relationship; all the bits that I want, I can get without needing to be nice to them on a regular basis. Relationships are like eating pic n mix without a bag; they're hard to hold on to, you don't enjoy the sweets as much and you get half way through and wish you hadn't bothered. Just use a bag! Then, you can close the bag when you've had enough for one day and stop before you're sick. Also, there's a good chance you'll put the bag down somewhere and find it again a few weeks later and be really pleased with yourself because you'd totally forgotten you bought them.

Obviously, if you get the chance to eat pic n mix out of a beard you should never turn it down. That is very important.

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