Monday, February 14, 2011

Flicking It

To ignore the fact that today's Valentine's day would be like to paint the room grey, fill it with suitcases, reverse my car so that the boot stuck through the door, wear male swim shorts to the party and then refuse to acknowledge all the references to elephant related paraphernalia in the room.

It's Valentine's Day...ok? Cool. Well done everyone. Have I been asked out to dinner or sent a card or a rose? No. Not one. Ok? Are we over it now? What have I done today? I've seen a doctor and an optician. Technically, therefore, I have sat across a table from two different people (one who was dangerously close to my face) and had an awkward interval of about 30 minutes. I'd say that constitutes a date on both cases. And one of them cost me £125 so... brilliant.

How am I spending the evening? Well, I'm going to have dinner with my sisters and watch films. Could it get any better? So, technically on paper it might look like I'm a sad spinster but in actual fact this is far better than my Valentine's Days usually end up.

For the last two years I've had a boyfriend on Valentine's and it sucked more than Rosamund Pike trying to read an award nomination. NO offence to the woman but fuuuuuck did you suck. And you're named after a fish.

So the first year I had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day he managed to wet the bed that night. Never having done it before, he never did it after (to my knowledge) and he certainly had no reason for doing it at the time. IT was the funniest present he could ever have got me (and the only time I've ever been given gold) and I highly recommend every person in the world to try waking up to a completely panic stricken soggy partner at least once in their lives. This is how his nickname 'Pampers' was spawned, and it's not something that I will ever regret.

Last year, in a less humorous turn of events it would appear he spent the evening with someone else. Now, I know this because the woman he was with rang me at 4 in the morning... I know what you're thinking, why? I have no idea... but when he turned up 4 hours late to our Valentine's Date with an awful hang over I was unsurprised and really quite grumpy. I wouldn't have minded if she'd had anything interesting to say at 4am... if he was going to cheat on me couldn't he at least have the decency to keep her occupied for the entire night?? Is there nothing I didn't have to do for that man... sigh. It's hard being superwoman.

So this year, gnocchi in Somerset with two sisters, a nephew, medical advice not to play in the roads, a severely depleted bank account and a promise of better eyes in the future seems like a good idea. I will be seeing my optician again in two days to collect my glasses... technically, that's better than 100% of the dates I've been on this year.

1 comment:

  1. Hang on, what time was your date? I know it's hard to get a table in the evening on Valentine's Day, but there's a limit to how far you should go to avoid the rush. A date at six in the morning (when only transport caffs and airports are open) is a bit extreme.

    Jezebel probably rang to ask if wet mattresses were a recurring problem.