Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Risotto Is The Devil

So, I have food poisoning.

I'm not very pleased with this. I went out for dinner last night and thought I'd be quite safe with the pea and blue cheese risotto but it's actually resulted in me feeling very ill for the entire morning. I'm OK unless I move my stomach in any way... this is obviously not an ideal state of affairs but I am learning to live with abdominal paralysis.

You'd think, having had years to get used to the joys of IBS, that I'd be numbed slightly to the effects of food poisoning... but it would seem I'm just as susceptible as everyone else. Brilliant. Is there no end to the joys of IBS? Not only will you feel mildly crap most of the time, but when you get some extra stomach affliction, you'll still feel just as bad!

I already felt pretty sick when I got to the office this morning (penultimate day tomorrow) but then I felt supremely worse when the discussion about whether or not you should be able to get food poisoning from risotto came up. A super helpful guy across the desk piped upwith -
"Yes, of course you can, because rats can get into the rice grain bag..." and at that point he received a laptop in his mouth travelling at speed as a thank you for his helpful input.

So, not only have I felt permanently sick all morning and had to repeatedly trek off to deal with the upward diving contents of my stomach, but I'm also trying to deal with the mental image of rat widdle in my poorly tummy. Throughout the morning my hysteria about this concept has ranged from "Well, it's not so bad, you used to play in rivers all the time that had rats living in the banks..." to "What the hell were you thinking eating at a South Bank restaurant? The rats there must be mega fierce and full of London germs! For all you know there might have been ratty love juice in the rice and now you are tummy pregnant with hardy cockney rat babies."

Obviously, I think the best thing to do with hysteria is to expel it into a blog so that on paper it looks as crazy as it should. In my head I have sneaky ways of justifying my crazy to make it seem less crazy. I think it would be less successful to expel the contents of my stomach onto the blog, because I have to give this laptop back in a few days and I think there are going to be enough questions asked about my browser history (how many tea cup pigs can you look at in one afternoon?!) without having to explain why there are chunky peas and rice between the keys.

I can only hope the hula hoops I've just eaten have some magical qualities that will keep the evil risotto at bay for a while. I'm not holding out much hope as I've never been told they have any magical qualities other than being delicious and fitting on your fingers.

No comments:

Post a Comment