Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Day 1 - Trains = 17

Right... I started booking stuff at 11:30 this morning, I took a 45 minute break and I went into a meeting for an hour. I booked 17 thingies around this... tomorrow I'm going to work out how to do the same but with pencils inserted into my nose to see what happens.

Enough of the booking stuff. Enough of it, it bores me I tell you... bores me entirely!

So, what shall we talk about?

OK, when you've stopped laughing at the fact that I book a lot of trains to pay the bills, we'll decide what we want to discuss shall we?

Right, well if you're going to difficult then I'm going to choose the subject - it seems fair seeing as I do it most days anyway you very rarely complain. We're so in synch.

I literally cannot stop eating chocolate at the moment... I don't know what is wrong with me. Potentially the excitement dip in my life is trying to solve itself through sheer sugar input. I'm either going to come out of this temp job as the next Richard Branson or diabetic.

Yesterday I managed to pummel my way through several mini creme eggs (yes I still have 3 Easter eggs left that I've not eaten - I'm a hoarder, it's what we do), today I've started off straight away with Cadbury's Eclairs (the toffee kind not the cream kind - I don't like cream) and I'm looking at my tuck box to see what to eat next. Yes, I have a tuck box - I find the quaintness of always having lots of thing in it stops me just ploughing on through all of it (wrappers and all) when I come home from work booking things, with a bit of a craving.

The trouble is, I love my chocolate, but I also have tooth paranoia... I am utterly terrified of losing my teeth. The thought of not having my front teeth makes me very worried. Although I love musical theatre, I'm not quite ready to resign myself to playing crotchety old women for the rest of forever. For this reason I floss and mouth wash and brush and habitually chew gum as much as I possibly can during the day. But then I get paranoia that soon I will not have proper teeth - I will have teeth nubs. Just stumpy little teeth roots that don't chew anything but look like I've borrowed the picket fence of a shrew and pummelled it into my mouth.

What a dilemma.

I suppose the best thing to do would be to just not eat anything. However once death had set in a little bit there wouldn't be much gum that didn't rot and so my teeth would fall out anyway, despite being in perfect condition.

One of my front teeth isn't even real so I don't know what I'm worried about... it didn't fall out through decay and, actually, half of it is real. It's just that the other half of it is in a playground somewhere in Lincoln. Let this be a lesson to all of you - if it's day one of your weeklong school trip, don't try and run up the face of slide.

You will slip. You will fall face first into the slide. You will break your front tooth in half so that you have some weird triangular snaggle poking out from your lips. And then you will forever have to look at a week's worth of photos with you trying not to look ridiculous. People will ask you for many years why the photographic evidence suggests you hate Lincoln so much. In fact you'll want to say that you really enjoyed the Tudor architecture. It's just that you couldn't smile about it.

So, the moral of the story is... when you get home from work booking things and stapling your fingers together, try not to eat too much chocolate in case you get attacked by a slide and end up being inadvertently racist towards a delightful Cathedral city.

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