I've just finished watching Don't Tell The Bride and I've decided the purpose of this programme is to send you through the full cycle of possible human emotions in just one show. I have actually managed to go from curiosity to disdain, from absolute fury to tears and from mounting jealousy to utter content.
I don't really want to get married - not for a good 10 years or so - but I would quite like a wedding and a day where everybody got very dressed up but still decided I was the prettiest. That seems to be what a wedding is all about. In this programme, the bride disappears for a month and the poor groom is given just a few weeks to try and plan her dream wedding. The flaw in this show is that even a bride who knew exactly what she wanted would struggle to get the job done in that short a space of time. How on earth is a man supposed to have time to second guess what she'd want and then manage to get it all sorted out?
The episode I've just watched featured a whining Scottish woman who cried and threw tantrums about everything he tried to do. She moped, she shouted, she declared that nothing was going her way and then decided that if she couldn't get ready in her own house then there was no point getting married at all. At this point I decided she didn't deserve to get married.
Then she got to the wedding and loved everything he had done because it was him that had done it. My poor little over emotional heart melted a bit. She cried some more, declared she loved him some more and then got happily married.
This was when I decided I'd quite like to have a wedding. But not a purple one. I would not like a purple wedding... or one where I'm still married after it. But I think the purple is more important than that.
I can't imagine being with someone and not wanting to do the whole she-bang wedding thing once I'd decided they were the one I wanted to sponge off for the rest of my natural life. I intend to invite everyone I've ever met to my wedding so they can see that I'm capable of commitment occasionally and that I can also walk in a straight line in heels.
Luckily I have copious sisters and so none of the actual organisation needs to be done by good self. I'm hoping this means I will have potential Bridesmaidzillas but I will be a small pool of calm and everyone will coo about how relaxed I am. I reckon in actualy fact there will be World War 3 between my two sisters and my many close female friends as they try and decide whether I would prefer the priest to be Doctor Who or David Jason, whether I'd rather walk up the aisle to steel drums or Tim Minchin and whether I'd rather have salmon or salmon for dinner.
All in all... whatever happens... I won't be inviting a television crew to be there recording all the reasons people are awfully horrible to the folks they love the most. But it'll be a cracking blog.