My Two Cents

I've steered off the subject of the Royal Wedding so far but this evening it feels like time to weigh in with an opinion.

I couldn't care less whether they get married or not. I don't care what she wears. I don't care what he wears. I slightly care what Harry wears. I'll care if an evil witch turns up and kidnaps Kate and then William has to go on a quest for her, although in this day and age it's likely to be a bomb of some kind which is less fun. Unless it just blows up part of her limb and then William has to go and find her toe and bring it back or something. However that is gory and in poor taste so I don't care if that happens.

I find it slightly patronising that we're all supposed to care so much about people we don't know getting married. I feel like I should be behaving like some kind of Tudor peasant who is thrilled at the prospect of a day off and a chance to see a procession of someone wearing something other than hessian. Well, I get two days a week off and while I'm grateful for the Bank Holiday is does feel like a sneaky sleight of hand trick to try and distract us.

"What recession? LOOK A BARBECUE."

It's not that I'm anti-Royal family - I couldn't care less. They're a bit lovely to have as a comfort blanket, they probably do a lot for international relations (sit down Philip) and they bring in a fair old number of tourists. I don't  want them to disband particularly - not that you probably can disband a family... I think of them like a lot of other old traditions from times when we were stupider. Like saying 'bless you' when someone sneezed  it used to mean something and now we just do it because we've got used to it. That's the Royal Family... we know they're not divine and as long as they don't piss us off too much we'll continue laughing at their funny ears and insistence on marrying women who look like pets.

I do think, however, that if the monarchy want the perks of continuing to be a monarchy then they need to stop with all this "We're just like you" business. Harry - stop your clubbing and start having massive balls at the palace that we fair maidens are invited to. If you're going to be a Royal Family, do it like the story books or fuck off. Fergie's got the right idea - she fucks something up every now and again in true attention grabbing style. That's what we want - none of this talking to flowers crap.

My brother raised the argument this weekend that he didn't think we should have a Royal Family because it wasn't fair that they had all that stuff simply because of the family they were born into. I said that was an interesting point but asked if he would like to give up all his comforts and way of life simply because it wasn't an orphan in a Brazilian slum's fault that they hadn't been born into our family. He went very quiet and has (hopefully or I'll kick him) been contemplating the genetic lottery that is life ever since.

So there we go - no fireworks, no bunting, no fois gras... that is my opinion. I can only give a toss about people I know getting married. But thanks for the day off anyway.