I have been constructing my profile as a piece of living art throughout the day, every time I receive a mail from a would-be suitor that amuses me enough, I update my profile to reflect their advances. At the moment (about 6 hours in to my adventure) my profile is drafted like this:
Cute Name to Attract Mate: OfficialBarrelScraper
Tag Line: Must Have Life Insurance
If you own Dark Side of the Moon I'm willing to over look even serious flatulence and excess hair.
I used to spend entire days rocking back and forwards because I could only be reached by a small number of sex pests in a day, but since I discovered internet dating things have really turned around and now I can browse any number of vowel free messages. It's bliss.
I cannot stress enough how much I adore profile pictures where you can clearly see the "ex" having been edited out. This sort of phenomenal approach to moving on deserves a medal. I've put my Dad as my profile picture so you can seek him out and ask for permission to date me should you want to - I don't want to make this shallow by including some picture of my luscious blonde mane of back hair.
Please don't message me to ask what:
a) Dark Side of the Moon is
b) Barrel Scraping is
I'm not genuine and I am solely interested in playing games so please, no time wasters.
My favourite word is "gawjus", please use it with gay abandon and if you can construct a message that's suitable for copying and pasting to everyone/thing on here that has included cleavage in their picture, please can you forward me a copy? You're a gem.
If anything I think language is just overcomplicated these days so if we can just agree that the difference between your and you're is inconsequential and replace either with ROFL then it'll be much more efficient for our long term mating compatibility.
If I don't reply to your message please don't take it personally, I'm just very shallow and have already judged I will never want to merge gene pools.
I'm not great at first dates so in a perfect world we could skip this altogether and just move straight on to separate beds, affairs with our colleagues and arguing over why I can't seem to distinguish between rare and medium rare when cooking.
I like short walks in the city and gender stereotyping.