Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Stand Up Sit Down

I've never blogged standing up before. This is the very first time. Perhaps tonight I will try gigging sitting down just to see if I can totally reverse the two forms of expression. Why am I stood up? Well, because my laptop needs charging and so I can no longer sit at the garden table and work - I've plugged it in on the counter while I make lunch and I'm blogging whilst debating whether or not to go to Tesco and get more milk.

Exciting life huh? Not really.

I think I'm having a life crisis truth be told. I think I'm on the brink of either an epiphany or suicide, I'm hoping it's the former as I'm really quite chirpy and I worry that I would mess up a lot of statistics about what to look out for in depressed people. There would be scores of happy people up and down the country getting sectioned when they thought too much based on me being an anomaly on a carefully plotted graph. I wouldn't like that to happen.

I also haven't yet seen a picture that I'd be OK with having on the front page of the Daily Mail when I've gone either. I have an awful feeling they'd opt for one of me from school with a giant forehead (before I discovered fringes were friends) and a brace on my teeth. The headline would be stupidly disappointing too "Extremely chirpy person does something for some reason". Also, if I'm narcissistic enough to be imagining what the papers would say about me should I decide to shuffle off, it probably means I'm too self involved to think the world can cope without me. Why waste what's perfect? Have you seen my boobs? These puppies need passing on to the next generation. Not like, I'm going to let young people play with them - but I might try and have a girl or something so she can see how it feels to be this greatly shaped. Sigh.

So, it's going to have to be an epiphany! Wonderful! I'm sure I'm going to enjoy my first epiphany when it happens. What I'm hoping, is that it will be about what to do with the rest of my life. It's sort of dawning on me that, short of squeezing out a sprog and teaching her about buoyancy aids, there's very little with any meaning left to do in the world that will fill 40 years and keep a roof over your head.

I think what I'm going to do is hold a tea party (heaven knows I have enough tea pots) and I'm going to have to invite the world's most influential people to it. All of them. World leaders, celebrities, Kate Humble etc... then, I'm going to have to put on an elaborate puppet show (possibly with the help of Julie Andrews) to show them quite how wrong we've got the world. Then they'll all sit there feeling a bit silly and we'll agree that we sort of need to shut down large portions of 'modern civilisation'. Sarah Palin will row home and persuade Americans to give up engines (she might fail at this, anger people and get shot but that's fine too - if she fails we'll just have the Republicans on a rolling loop until they've all gone - then the Democrats will be in charge and they've kind of been more on my side all along.) Eddie Izzard and Stephen Fry will teach Twitter all about accepting people who are different to you and how to be educated but still cool. The leaders of the Middle East will go home and make lots of signs saying "Ooops, there was less oil left than we thought - think of something else." Danny DeVito and Robin Williams will be on tag team to show Korea and China how to lighten up, and Israel and Palestine will be subjected to nonstop Chuckle Brothers DVDs until they see how silly arguing over the concept of a piece of land is.

I think I'm confused. I don't understand why the world is still carrying on like everything's fine - surely someone else has noticed that it's all silly? Why are we still going to work? My next task will be to conduct a poll of people who think their job is genuinely worthwhile in the grand scheme of things. If the bar I suspect will be higher, is higher then we all have to agree to quit and dredge up a new system of living that allows us more time to be proper people. Maybe this will be a graph induced epiphany...

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