Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I Wanna Be a Billionaire

I caught up with X Factor last night - this is the first year I've ever watched it and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm quite enjoying it. The judges are all reassuring self-serving enough to satisfy me that they'll put through genuine talent in places because it'll get them more money. So, I get to watch some decent karaoke. Delightful.

It does seem that each contestant on the show has to be either so stupid that you're sure the vast majority of their cerebral activity is totally dormant, or have some kind of tragedy which only singing in front of a judgemental, fickle public could possibly cure. I mean, I understand having a dream - but is the X Factor really really the solution to your trauma?

I fully understand you have two children and have struggled. I think global fame and media scrutiny are the perfect solution and will be a godsend to your, already stressful, life. Well done.

It frustrated me quite a lot in the early episodes when contestants would burst into tears and wail loudly about their 'one chance' to get to their dream. As though, if Louis Walsh says no that means they need to head home immediately and only ever sing in the shower from now on. Why is there only one chance? I mean, there's always the option of working really hard for a lot of years and getting there very slowly but surely? You could try that...? It's kind of what I'm working on right now...? No? Ok, yeah - if they say no you'd better cut your tongue out. Good plan.

Last night I caught up on the weekend's episodes and am now so saturated in drawn out cliffhangers and odd key choices that I needn't watch any more for at least a week. I am properly hooked.

I've developed an unwieldy crush on Matt - delightfully humble Essex painter and decorator who shuts his eyes a lot and this seems to be a big factor affecting how well we know him. From what I can tell, Danni Minogue is of the opinion we need to really know an act before we can enjoy the sound coming out of their mouth. I therefore suggest they harvest contestants with the most Facebook friends and stop all this singing competition nonsense.

I thoroughly enjoy Cher and her exciting new take on the competition. Is she going to cry or say something stupendously vacant mid performance this week? Is there going to be a surprise rapping bit in the middle like a few of her other pieces? There is? glorious. I do love a system.

The bands I'm not enjoying quite frankly, Cheryl seems under the impression (wrong, according to Simon and the audience - who boo and cheer EVERYONE equally - go figure?) that the newly formed bands need time to get to know each other before they'll be a fully fledged group. WHAT? What madness is this? A band can't just be perfectly manufactured for instant gratification? Are you insane Cheryl? What a bimbo. Anyone would think they'd also need a concept on what the musical influences and style of the music was going to be! Ha!

I totally and utterly loathe Katie Weasel - she is a massive ball bag. She has literally nothing authentic about her at all. She has a good voice - but her first song choice was bland and more about emulating Madonna and Lady GaGa than about her showing off any vocal skill. I think she's a fake little shrew who needs a good kick in the shins and leaving in a muddy field so she can gush to the grass about what a legend she's going to be. She's not going to be a legend. I don't think any of the great legends needed X Factor for people to notice they were legends. I also don't think they set out to be a legend. They set out to do what made them happy and this pleased other people. I'm 99% sure Bob Dylan never were a multi coloured plastic cockcroach ass on his head in order to gain attention. 99% sure. Don't follow him everywhere.

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