Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Hello Ham, You Look Like a Cold Puppy

So this is my 366th post... I have now fully completed a whole year of blogging. Not even my parents could have predicted I would have that much inane chatter in me. That's just me I guess, proving people wrong at every step.

Today's been an excellent day. First I filled myself up with all kinds of disgusting food. I ate what was described in the menu as "Bacon Chilli Dog with Cheese"... I could not have foreseen what kind of monstrous heap of food would be put in front of me. It was like looking into every heart attack that ever befell a human. Eating it made me want to simultaneously throw it back up and shower at the same time. I felt dirty. I'm now lying on my bed eating copious amounts of fruit to try and balance the internal rotting.

I was a little worried that the powerful burning sensation in my abdominal region would later need explaining to some kind of medic when they rushed me to hospital in a scene akin to Alien. Most of the afternoon has been spent wondering if I should be lying very still so as not to remind the "Bacon Chilli Dog with Cheese" that I had forced it into captivity against its greasy wishes. I was worried that if it noticed its incarceration we would be dealing with some kind of jail break. And not the fun Thin Lizzy kind. A sort of wet, spicy, socially unacceptable kind.

I decided to do a bit of research so that I could be fully informed of the sort of internal cold war I had initiated. I needed to know exactly where and when the concept for this monstrous food replica had been born. Then I needed to get to the source and kill. This was obviously not a simple procedure... this was like the sort of adventure that might occur if Indiana Jones found out that Darth Vader was his father and then they had to work together to raise a baby with the help of Tom Selleck. Intense.

Luckily, I wasn't alone. I had my good buddy Wiernan Shnouieb* with me. He's a trusty side kick if ever there was one. I tell you what, if you ever need a side kick, I heartily recommend this guy and I am NOT MESSING with your mind. No no no. He is compact but beefy so you can put him in a suitcase but if he needs to bust out of there he will do some serious ass whooping damage to any baggage handler trying to scan him for liquids over 150ml. Serious shit. He has a beard. This is excellent for helping him blend into a crowd, it's also great for Fuzzy Felt in the down time. We took a vow together, giddy from the milkshake, and decided it was up to us to find out where and why this tummy torpedo had been invented and pedalled to the masses.

We started with the local library. Wiernan went in first and kicked out the cast of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, who had gathered there to do some stuff that was less important than what we had to achieve. We decided to keep Xander alive because he is now well into his forties and we felt kind of sorry for him for having no discernible career. Wiernan said he would let him stay at his flat and teach him how to play Dominoes. That's the kind of big hearted loon he is. To be honest after that I didn't get much sense out of either of them because they spent the rest of the day exchanging cheese puns and laughing at who could poke their fingers hardest into whose tummy button.

I was just reaching for the dustiest book on the shelf, because we all know dust = knowledge (but only in books, in humans exchange dust for beard and or proximity of breasts to waist), when I saw a shadow behind me. I whipped around just in time to dodge a huge lump of melted cheese as it winged its way past my right ear. I was breathing heavily, scared out of my wits, looking into the eyes of the most foulsome monster I had ever seen. It was huge; a steaming pile of onions (not quite fried to correct softness) and bacon (with the rind cruelly left on) churned together into a roaring beast with hot dog legs and button mushroom eyes (which was weird because Bacon Chilli Dogs with Cheese don't even have mushrooms in. Let alone their buttons).

I flung myself behind the shelf and waited to hear it's next move. It cleared what I can only assume was it's throat and let out a roar:


It wasn't quite the impressive threat I had been expecting from a beast that seemed hell bent on destroying me and my way of life but I felt I ought to respond.


I waited, quietly praying that it wasn't a trick and that he wasn't at that very moment creeping around the shelves to attack me with his cholesterol ridden paws.

"Er, which way to the Adult fiction?"

Came his tentative reply.

WHAT??!! My face went purple with rage. So the dirty fiend was here to feast his bucket of demon calories  on some porn ridden pages of indecency? Not on my watch. I channelled my inner American spirit and abandoned any intention I may have had to get to the root of the problem and decided this bitch needed teaching a lesson. And fast.

I leapt over the shelves (thank god they weren't the floor to ceiling kind or I'd have had to have ambled round and looked totally lame) and pounced into his fleshy mound of broiled pig and shallot grown ups. He was taken aback, I pummelled my fists into the bubbling mass of meat and depression until I felt it begin to concentrate its power. "Here it comes," I thought to myself, "Here comes the fight back"... a wall of bread and reconstituted hot dog hit me in the face and I was flung back against the DVD rentals free standing carousel.

I was a gonner. I was done for. I was not going to survive. Or was I?

Suddenly Wiernan Shnouieb was standing between me and the filthsome beast. Mayonnaise was dripping off both of them. I don't know where Wiernan had got his mayonnaise from, but it didn't matter to me.

"What are you doing?" I yelled through my bruised ribs.

"Saving you!" Shouted Wiernan.

"But.. but..." I tried, but my lungs were filling up with blood (my blood - be a weird twist if I was suddenly a vampire having dinner eh? Also, I'd have serious problems if drinking filled up my lungs. Not even a vamp could survive that. That's a whole other story.)

"I'm a vegetarian" said Wiernan, never taking his eyes off the rearing beast, "I'm like it's achilles heel - it will be so confused by my pathetic diet that it will combust. I am the only one that can beat it. I'm going in."


But it was too late... Wiernan strode towards the beast, a mushroom in each hand (Xander had popped out to get those and is expensing them through Sarah-M G). He was enveloped in chilli... there was a deep rumbling and suddenly silence. The meaty mess contracted into a central point with an enormous rush of wind. I felt like all the hair was being sucked off my head. And then there was silence. A huge hollow silence. A silence where my friend used to be. And where Wiernan used to be too (Zing! Beyond the grave zing! Ha! But I do seriously miss him).

So, kids. Don't play with your food. Lesson learned. Night all. That's jackanory.

* Names changed to protect identity.

No comments:

Post a Comment