Your Own 60 Minutes

The thing that you may not know about porridge, is that it's made up of a little bit of everything in the world that can be classed as 'not interesting'.

So, in your average bowl of porridge there's a bit of Question Time, some calculator buttons, most comedy panel shows, a single person's opinion on what's wrong with couples, most couples, Tim Burton's later career, some hessian, orthopaedic shoes, Jersey, instructions for use of anything electrical, Kevin Spacey and most people at University.

That's why porridge is so filling - there's a lot to get through in each steamy bowl. If you choose to use skimmed milk, the least interesting of all the milks, then you're essentially running the risk of creating a black hole into which your desire to be someone will disappear.

In recent years people have tried to liven porridge up by adding apples and portioning it into tiny sachets that seem fun and handy. It's a little bit like choosing to supply heroin already in the syringe so that people can ruin their day, and possibly their lives, that little bit easier after purchase.

If you spoke to the average apple when it's still on the tree, dreaming of one day being a traditional cider or a child's playtime snack, it would literally burst into pieces with despair if you told it it was going to be in some Oat So Simple. It's fully necessary to stun, drug and lie to any and all fruit that will eventually be in porridge just to stop it putrefying where it lays. Porridge is so boring it can turn a delicious apple into Gary Neville through sheer fear.

Of course, you can't blame porridge - porridge would love to be a Pop Tart. But it isn't, any more than you or I are Jessica Rabbit or Imelda Staunton.

Porridge is best served on a cold frosty morning directly into the bin before you go out and eat a fry up at a lovely independent cafe where they know how you like your toast and they keep small talk to a minimum unless you're a tourist or a woman over 40. There's no excuse for porridge in this day and age, this era of neon and canvas, cars and Pygmy animals, Twitter and shatterproof rulers. If we've been able to stop rulers shattering for at least 27 years then why can't we lay porridge to rest? Place it in the human race's shady past alongside brown cardigans, lava lamps and slavery.

Let's end this madness. Today.