Saturday, September 21, 2013

Hey! It's Thanksgiving Day!

I've been trying to think of a very 'JD from Scrubs' way to start this blog post for some time now. I was trying to think of a "...this is a poignant reflection on relationships and such..." angle. I've got several drafts and some frown lines that prove there isn't one. So fuck it.

I am scared of falling asleep at night and waking up with a mouse trying to get into my bum hole to eat my internal organs.

There. I've said it.

I revealed this fear to my boyfriend recently and I swear nothing I've ever said to anyone has ever made them laugh like that did to him at 3am.

Now, let me explain. I am not scared of mice, but, over the years I have developed a fear of mice around me when I am trying to sleep. When I lived in London I had a mouse in my room one night that was scurrying around on the lino while I was in bed. I was too frightened to get up and do anything about it in the dark in case it chewed my feet when I put them out over the bed. Then, the stupid sodding thing got itself stuck in my waste bin and spent a solid hour pin balling round the damn thing while I lay there soaked in my own cold sweat in case it rocked up enough momentum to fling itself up out of the bin and onto my bed.

When I woke up the next morning after the devil Mickey had finally gone quiet, he seemed to have gone. I don't know where, and I never saw him again.

I'm a thinker, when I have a fear I like to try and find the route of it, and generally I like to get over it. So, I thought about what it is about a mouse near me while I'm asleep that I don't like and it's definitely the thought of them being on me. Why would a mouse be on me? Either hunger or warmth, logically. Warmth: not so bad. I'll hug a mouse. Hunger? More os a problem. It's either going to want my eyeballs, my mouth or my undercarriage as these are all easier access to fleshier parts. Mouth and eyes are both going to be closed as I don't snore, and I'm dreaming.

Undercarriage. I'm not a knickers to bed kind of a gal (who knew this post would be so saucy) and so the undercarriage is the most accessible source of food to a mouse who is hungry.

Logically, it seems unwise for me to leave a different source of food near the bed with a sign saying "Please eat this instead." as I think this will just attract more mice to the scene and then the food I have laid out may not be sufficient and it will cause them to be more desperate for bum flesh.

I'm also doubly worried at the moment because I have been sleeping on the floor since Christmas when my bed broke and I don't know any carpenters who can come and fix my bed and alleviate the mouse issue.

Not that I have mice in my Brighton house, I should point out, these are theoretical hungry mice with a taste for ass.

So, leaving food out won't solve it, wearing pants is a waste of time because I think if a mouse is hungry enough to be wanting to eat sphinctre then some ASDA George cotton (DOUBLE SAUCY) isn't going to stop him/her, and sharing the issue with a loved one hasn't made me worry less either. Some fears must just be fears because you're meant to be afraid of them and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

I'm too afraid to Google it and see if anyone has ever been eaten alive from the inside out by a mouse but I'm thinking that in the entire history of the world it must have happened at some point and that makes it ok to be nervous/waking up in the night petrified every time something rustles.

As I said at the start, there's no conclusion or moral to this. I'm literally just telling you.

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