Thursday, April 26, 2012

Sock It To Me

Writing this post is the last thing on my To Do list for today. I really think, looking back, that leaving the creative thing that I actually care about until last was silly. Really I should have done it first so that I still cared about life but I haven't, so there.

The trouble with admin is that it can take many forms, and each of these forms manages to suck the life out of you in some way. Firstly today I had laundry. I don't mind putting clothes in the laundry and I quite like hanging it out... what I hate is taking it off the dryer and putting it away. There's an inevitable intervening two week period where I categorically just DON'T put it away and it stumbles back around my room until I'm not sure whether it was ever clean and I'll probably start the whole cycle again.

Today my main issue was with socks. The problem with socks is that they all look the same - and I don't mean that racistly, some of my best friends are sock puppets. They vanish and you have no discerning features with which to find them again. Socks don't drink milk! That's the main problem... where do you put the pictures up to claim a missing sock? The only place the socks go is on your feet and in the washing machine. What the hell is happening in between those two sock havens? I'm just saying if socks were bigger milk drinkers then we might stand a chance of having more matching pairs.

Socks are nomadic creatures. It's a direct consequence of being born hollow - they are always searching for that special something to complete them. It's not easy to constantly have a foot rammed in your poop hole. Poor socks. Lots of people get very suspicious of sock parents - lots of IVF accusations flying around because of the large numbers of twins in their birth rates. Actually, though, socks are very natural lovers. Very tender. The biggest selling sock single is "Sexual Heeling" which should give you some indication of their level of tenderness.

It's hard times for socks these days - we live in a world where shoes can increasingly be worn without socks. They are beside themselves with what to do. Flip flops used to be a novelty item, a horror story used by parents to frighten naughty ankle socks into going to bed at night. Nowadays people seem to be able to wear any kind of shoe without it's light hearted liner. Is it any wonder socks are disappearing off to sunnier climes?

There've been sightings of socks clinging to the Eurostar for days at a time in a desperate attempt to get away from this island that's being run into the ground by the barefoot brigade. Of course, when they reach the French shores they are driven away in the droves. The French don't wear socks at all. They wear stockings! Socks and stockings do not get on. Originally it was just a harmless rivalry between the two species but after years of specialist breeding by humans to refine the features of each, full scale animosity has broken out between them. If a sock and a stocking are left alone in a room for more than 20 minutes then literally nothing will happen because they are inanimate objects.

Of course, the worst nightmare for any sock is that they will develop a hole. Imagine if your skin just opened up one day and you were broken. Your only choices from that point are either to be thrown away or be stitched up with precisely no anaesthetic? Socks are the only creatures in the world who have to suffer the injustice of their only life saving procedure also being a swear word. And not even a good swear word at that. It's just insulting. As if being holey when you're a strict atheist wasn't bad enough as it is.

If a sock turns up out of the blue and you feel it needs punishing, the best way to deal with it is to wash it inside of a duvet cover. It's the sock equivalent of water boarding and, to be quite frank, it makes them madder than a march hare. The disorientation involved makes it ten times better than the human style but the sock will be docile as fishfood if you threaten him with a Mini Load at 30 on a Tuesday morning when he's not expecting it.

In 1992 I had a full drawer sock rebellion after I was given a pair of toe socks and the rest of the clan held a mutiny which resulted in her being tried and hanged for impersonating a glove. Messy business. Messy messy business these sock wars. That's the trouble with admin.

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