Sunday, November 21, 2010

Writer's Block

I have writer's block. So, ironically, (is it ironic? I'm nto 100% sure I know what ironic is any more in this post Alanis aftermath of questions.) I am doing some writing to try and help me with my writer's block.

How are things? Are you well? I mean, it's been a while hasn't it?

I think we're just going to have to accept that for a while, a weekly blog is all I can manage. I'm really sorry to let you all down. I realise you depend on me for entertainment in this age of CGI and JLS and other 3 letter phenomenoms.

I'm on a bit of a downer if I'm honest. This time last year I was approximately 24 hours away from being up to my neck in snow as I pranced around Lapland in my elf suit and generally had the time of my life. Prancing was slightly inhibited as the snow necessarily makes that difficult. this year I'm having to settle with watching Elf on my bed and preparing to go into the office tomorrow. It's just not as good, let me tell you.

I think next year I'll go back to Lapland. An adventure like that definitely shouldn't only happen once - look at Lord of the Rings - there's a reason it's a trilogy. The vague plan right now is to go on a big tour of Scandinavia and Northern Europe and see the Norwegian fjords, ice hotels and more northern lights. With any luck I can persuade someone to pay me to write about it while I'm there. That way you can come too. If you want to. But you're not obliged.

I guess I went on a date last night. I think it was a date? You know when you go on something and it kind of seems like it's a date but you're not sure if it's definitely a date? I met up with a boy and went to a bar and had some drinks? That's a date right? It's been a freaking long time since I went on a date. Maybe I need to start keeping some sort of checklist for features which make an evening a date?

I'm not sure why I went on a date: historically I loathe dating. I find it tedious and boring and the vats majority of the date is utterly superfluous. You know within the first 10 minutes whether there is chemistry and then beyond that it's just waiting to finish dinner and pay the bill. Baffles me as to why people continually subject themselves to this mind numbing shite.

I think the worst date I ever went on was the one that got followed up with a text saying - "It would be really nice to see you again, but I understand if you got all the material you needed from that one dinner." Ouch! Catty much? As it turned out, I did get enough material from that one dinner once he had sent that text. But he was flattering himself if he thought he'd factored on my radar prior to his insecure outburst.

I mean, Sex and The City would have you believe that dating is glamorous and exciting and either hilariously entertaining or so sizzling that you're shagging in just a pair of Jimmy Choo's before you've even ordered a starter. What they fail to tell you is that 90% of actual dates end with you both trying to manage expectations of where this is going.

I will definitely call you.

And I will definitely pick up the phone. Pro-mise.

Well, good! That's just good. That's so good. I can't wait to see you again.

Oh me neither. Well, bye!

Bye then!

*Cue running in opposite directions*

It's certainly not as glamorous as Samantha's moaning would have you believe. Lying bitch.

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