It's been a big week hasn't it? Self-assessments, Egyptian riots, Sally Bercow in a bed sheet? All making a combined effort to put you off reading the papers ever again. And, in the case of Sally Bercow, from ever watching the Speaker of the House without dry retching slightly.
I have to admit right now I am in a foul mood...I had a pretty shit gig last night. Now, I know I'm probably supposed to smile through this and probably not publish it so that when promoters find my blog they'll see a shimmering list of successful gigs and book me instantly. But fuck it - it's absolute bull shit to even suggest that a comedian with only 2 years experience is going out and rocking it every single night. Last night I didn't really rock a thing. Except my self-confidence. We won't go into details. But if you were a 'lad' tanked up on Carlsberg at the gig I did last night and you sat back down at your table and said in full earshot of me, "Well the bird was shit wasn't she" and then drank the Doritos out of the bowl on the table...I'm ok with you not finding me funny. I'm ok that my sense of humour differs from yours. I have to admit I didn't find your repeated grunting funny, or the time you said the c-bomb. We shall agree to disagree. Because you're a massive tool and I'm hilarious.
I've discovered two things in the last two days -
1. Aromatherapy literally means healing (therapy) with smells (aroma). This had never clicked before. It caused much judgement from my peers.
2. On my run this morning I noticed that the rugby players who train at my local park play football as a warm up. This got me thinking. Cricketers also use football as a warm.
I've come to the only logical conclusion from this information - Football is a such a piece of shit excuse for a game that proper sportsman use it as a warm up. I have never, ever seen footage of footballers in a scrum, playing rugby to warm up or grabbing tennis rackets and just getting into the groove before they start off on their 90 minutes of excruciatingly over rated toss.
Torres (so I'm reliably informed) was bought/sold/manicured for £50m this transfer season for being the best person at playing the warm up game. What a fucking travesty. Some English tool has even confused football insiders by being sold for £35m...which they say is a little much?
A LITTLE MUCH?
£35m for being a fairly adequate person at playing a sport that other sportsmen don't even consider worth putting on their CV because it's such utter drivel? In a few years time is this sliding scale of mediocrity going to reach a point where Sports Personality of the Year will go to the person who was best at 'Doing Funny Sidesteps Round Cones' for hours on end. His speech being -
"Yeah, a lot of people technically have criticised me for winning this on the basis of it being a warm up. But for years we've been celebrating the achievements of men who do little more than the average 6 year old in a playground. Obviously, footballs harder to do because not only do you have to concentrate on the game but you've also got to remember the name of all your team-mates' wives so that when you're balls deep in them and coked up to your eyes in your Essex mansion's night-club in the basement you don't have a huge Faux Pas. That probably isn't as easy as it looks. It's quite hard to train solidly when you're getting paid more than the average hospital yearly budget...I mean when are those poor lads even supposed to splash out on some granny minge? Some of them have been faithful this year. That's why I wanted to stick to my cones - you know?Just keep it simple. I think it's going to get better and better and pretty soon we'll have sports like 'Putting Your Trainers on to do the warm up for the game that's actually only a warm up too'. I'm really proud of this country."
Thank fuck the transfer window is shut. Maybe the entire football chorus can shut up too. And while I'm on my soap box - WHY ARE YOU ALL SO BALL-BREAKINGLY SURPRISED THAT FOOTBALL COMMENTATORS SAY INAPPROPRIATE THINGS ABOUT WOMEN?
Look at them. The man in the scenario is a fat, bald, ugly man who has a well paid job commentating on the show. He turns to his female co-worker and jokes that she should tuck something into his trousers. Look at his female co-worker - does she look like she plays football? Trains people? Has had an avid interest in football since she was four? And even if she does, is that what you fucking notice?
No. She looks good in a skirt and is wearing more make up than I have in my entire arsenal. Screw shoving the bloke out for being a massive tool - what do you sodding expect when that's the way you present a woman on TV? Shove the entire media industry up it's own gaping arse for not having the decency to admit that it's their own fault for trying to convince us that it's OK that only attractive women are ever used. The whole thing is rotten.
Tess Daly & Bruce Forsyth
Kate Humble & Bill Oddie
Christine Bleakly & Adrian Chiles
Cheryl & Danni vs Simon & Louis
Any more for any more?