Mentally Prepared for Nudity

My worst nightmare has been realised... I am going on a corporate team building event to play golf tomorrow.

This is the biggest indicator to me so far that I am totally right in my desire to be a self-employed, lonely comedian who never has to team build, is entirely selfish and certainly has no reason to want to play golf. Unless of course I was doing an Alex Horne tribute show and it was necessary but that it tangetial, a little obscure and too ridiculous a reference for us to take seriously.

Why in the name of heaven has golf managed to crop up for the second time in two weeks after 24 gloriously golf-free years?? I DO NOT LIKE GOLF - why is the great God of golf attemtpting to ply me into his bunkerous world of bollocks?

It's not just that I don't like golf, I also don't like caps, I don't like jerseys, I'm not a huge fan of flags, and manicured grass makes me very annoyed. Golf is just an excuse to ruin perfectly good stretches of wild land with the sporting equivalent of an ornamental pond.

And yet, here I am, going on a compulsory day trip to South West London to go and putt and wedge and wood stupid little balls into stupid little holes.

All in the name of team building. Team building?

What is team building about golf? Surely a sport that has more obvious teams would be far more appropriate? Can't we all just watch Tin Cup and team build over mutual disrespect for Kevin Costner's career path? Can't we all just accept that we're office workers, we have no interest in socialising unless it's over drinks and the only reason we've congregated is that there's always one person drunk enough to buy most of the rounds?

Eugh... I've also been advised to wear a polo shirt. I've not worn a polo shirt since I was about 13 and my school switched over to shirts and blazers. I'm not even sure I own a polo shirt. Is it acceptable to just selotape lots of polos to a normal shirt and turn up on a horse?

Not happy. Not happy at all. They are obviously trying to build a team with a profile that I just don't fit into. Perhaps it's time to leave.

The Stupid Girl

Everyone's laughing at the stupid girl,
Because she fell in love with the sea.
She said the oceans waved to her,
"Each tide is meant for me."

Everyone's feeling for the stupid girl,
Because she put her toes on the sand.
And she dreamt of rings and of winds and horizons,
And an ocean to just hold her hand.

Nobody cried with the stupid girl,
When she learnt the water was cold.
She learnt all its lies and its tricks and goodbyes,
"I didn't know the sea was so old."

We all despaired with the stupid girl,
When she moved to live near the sea.
She sat on the docks and scribbled and wrote,
Until she perfected her plea -

"It's me or the moon, you can't have us both
But you can have me and the solemnest oath.
I promise to love you, well beyond the shore,
From mountain to city, to hilltop to moor.
I'll worship your tides and your ebb and your flow,
On a raft of devotion, I'll go where you go."

Everyone's laughing at the stupid girl,
Because she got turned down by the sea.
He lingers too far from the shore to be hers,
But too close to the light to be free.

Everyone's laughing at the stupid girl,
Because she fell in love with sea.
She said the oceans waved to her,
"Each tide is meant for me".

Impatience is a Birch Tree

Well, who'd have thought it - I've just discovered I'm actually too small for train seats. I'm sitting on a Virgin Train (going to Lancashire since you ask) and if I put my laptop on the table I can't reach it to type whilst sitting back against the chair... when in the hell did this happen?

I've now got the laptop on my lap, meaning that I'm typing a bit like a Tyrannosaurus Rex with my elbows in my armpits. Obviously I could shuffle forward so that I can reach the laptop but then I'm not really getting the full feel of my seat comfort and I paid good money for this chair.

Surely no one is big enough that this chair is the proper size for them? What the hell's going to happen on the way back where I've booked First Class? Is it possible to get lost in a train seat? I don't want to spend the rest of my life mopping up the crumbs from commuters' cucumber sandwiches as I wander in a desert of leather seating, eternally condemned to a life en route to Penrith. Do they have leather seating in First Class? Because I really don't want to get stuck on velour, or that weird 'it would be carpet if it were on the floor but it's masquerading as chair fabric' stuff.

I'm sure I haven't always been this small, in fact, I never really feel very small compared to other people when I'm around them but then every now and again something like this happens and it freaks me out. It's like finding out one day that all this time you've been using a circus mirror and that actually you're a Borrower but no one wanted to tell you in case you cried.

Is everyone else getting bigger? Maybe this is a clear example of POLITICALLY CORRECTNESS GONE MAD where we're trying to cater for massive people on trains to the extent where smaller folk like myself are havign to ask for booster seats to see out the window. If it is that people are getting bigger would it be possible for them to stop? It's just that the only way I can sit comfortably in my chair and get some work done would be to sit cross legged in the chair - which I can comfortably do (I just checked) - and I'm sure that's -

a) Not normal for a fully grown adult
b) Going to get me a penalty for putting my feet on the chair.

If I were to get a penalty it would inevitably lead to an argument with the guard over the practicality of the seating arrangement. How do you explain to someone that you were forced to defile their mode of transport because they'd put the cushions on steroids and you were having trouble staying afloat?

I'm not sure what to do now... I'm a bit worried I'm too small. None of the other people on the train seem to be having any trouble. I don't want to have to ask them for their vital statistics in order to assess the situation but if I come across anything else today that poses a problem I'm going to kick off. I will be phoning whoever ran the census and checking exactly where I stand in terms of National average size. Then I'll be writing to Branson and telling him to sort his seats out as I'm now feeling gruimpy and insecure over my diminshed stature. Stupid train.

Grindstone

Bah... first day back at my desk in a week and my concentration levels are dangerously low... it's almost a struggle to keep my eyes looking in the same direction for more that 15 consecutive seconds. I feel a bit like a character in a video game that visibly switches off if you don't interact with it for more than a minute. I wish my body had a screensaver programme so that when I got ultra bored and wanted to disappear into a daydream I could do that and just leave a facade of activity on the front... bliss.

The most exciting thing that's happened to the office while I've been away is that we now have mugs. No more paper cups and worrying about the environment - I can drink a proper cup of tea in a proper mug with a handle - what more could a girl ask for? Not a freaking lot. Well, maybe a job that was intellectually stimulating and didn't involve daily investigations into Google's latest strategy. Can we just all agree that Google have a great sense of humour and not much of a strategy and it's hilarious that such a huge industry has evolved around it? If we don't mind doing that then I can go home now. Thanks.

I think my ideal job will involve some kind of wildlife aspect to it...perhaps as Kate Humble's assistant or some kind of zookeeper with a stand up slot in between feeding the goats and otters? If I was on animal park I'd like to work with Keeper Brian Kent who loves the wolves, I would be Head of Section Laura Lexx and I would be in charge of all small animals and llamas and goats. People would come from miles around to marvel at my Dr Doolittle type skills as I fixed the sick critters and taught blind children to ride them. Everyone would love me. Think Mary Poppins but with pigs.

I'm not even allowed to have a pretend animal section at my current job - we have a Tidy Desk Policy. The Tidy Desk Policy is an attempt to keep all elements of personality out of the workplace just in case you enjoy yourself and show that you are not a money seeking machine. I think this is probably for the best though because before the Tidy Desk Policy I used to play with my neighbour's stuffed toys to the extent that when I bumped into an unknown co-worker in a bar one night he introduced himself by asking "Are you the girl that sits down the other end of the office...were you playing with a bell yesterday?"

I had to explain that, "Yes, I was playing with a bell - because the cow had been run over by the rubber car and so the bull was in an ambulance going to rescue him."

I've not spoken to that guy since and, actually, he now sits with his back to me. When I'm self-employed as a comedian I won't have a Tidy Desk Policy, I will have a Creative Desk Policy which will mean I have to add something cool to my desk everyday until it becomes unusual and then I need to buy a new desk. By the time I'm brilliant and have my own comedy club and TV sitcom I will have a room dedicated to desks of all shapes and sizes and cluttered to the ceiling with brilliant artefacts.

But, for now...

Programmed for Entry

I am trying to do all the online things that I haven't had time to do all week... it is proving to be difficult. To make matters worse, I also have an hour less to do these things in thanks to the summer coming and all that jazz... if I don't get round to finishing my census thingy then I blame it entirely on the Government for putting the deadline in a 23 hour day. Ridiculous. I hope there's a box to tick so I can say I am one of those people who struggles with the clock changing.

I'm also trying to do my Fringe Program entry... bugger me it's tough! I've got 39 words to describe the play I wrote and make it as appetising as possible to folks who I want to come and see it. This is a really difficult task for someone who writes reams and reams daily.

39 words?

In 39 words I have to somehow explain that the play is about the media, 7/7, grief on a national and personal scale and a small family... but that it's not really miserable, it's quite funny in places, it's a new piece of writing and that it's the best thing in the program that goes by the name Ink.

Easy peasy?

Not easy peasy... I'm so precious about the damn play it's unreal! I'm petrified of using the terms 'darkly funny' or 'tragic' or 'moving' because they are exactly the words that would put me off going to see it. So, I need to try and describe a play about the media impact on the victims of 7/7 without it sounding like it's quite a heavy piece of ass... excellent.

It's quite interesting trying to sum up myself for the census and my play for the program on the same day. I'm much more fussed about the play coming across properly - there's every chance I'll rush the census through a bit quick and wind up declaring myself a one-legged male with some dodgy religion. Either that or my fringe program entry will list "Ink - 24 year old female, no previous criminal convictions, University Degree, dodgy singing voice."

I mean, the logical thing to do would be to stop writing my blog and put some attention to either but it's damn difficult so I think I'll carry on writing here. I'm a bit in love with my tiny blog world - it's like my baby... except that with babies people aren't allowed to write their own opinions on the bottom. That would be weird and you'd have a messy baby. Potentially you wouldn't be allowed to keep your baby for long if you let people do that to it. Interesting.

I also think it should be totally illegal to have deadlines on sunny days. There should be some system for pushing everything back a couple of days when the sun is out so that we can go and make the most of it. There's just nothing worse than being between walls when you've got blue sky pouring in the windows and actual heat in the air outside for the first time that year. Perhaps I'll attach a list of opinions and suggestions with my census, just so they get a really clear picture of what I'm like - opinionated and terrible at both concentration and entertaining myself!

I'm almost certain that long walks in the fresh air are very good for concentration and creativity though so I think it's probably a good thing that I've already put my shoes on...yup, I think this can only be a good thing...

Plack-Hard

So... there's already been a few things on the news this morning that have made me stop and think.

1. 20 people have died in Syria as they protested on the streets.
2. There will be protests across the UK today against the cuts.
3. Strikes on Libya are continuing and Gaddafi is preparing to arm civilians in the fight.

One of those three items from the news really sticks out like a sore thumb doesn't it?

This is another one of those blogs where I'm not sure I have a point and I suppose we'll find out whether I do or not as we go on! I think of myself as fairly ill informed when it comes to Government policy and the details of current events - I am in that dangerous bracket of people who have a little information but not nearly as much as I should have. For that reason I'm not suggesting here that the British public should not be exercising their right to protest against changes to their country that they think are damaging.

What I do think, is that it flares up some seriously interesting points for consideration -

1. Despite the fact that everybody in this country with a brain cell is fully aware of the atrocities and murder and brutal tyranny that exists in Libya at the moment, there are still anti-Tory protesters who will happily call David Cameron a cunt. Now, I hesitated over whether to type the word properly there, such is the strength of the word for the vast majority of people - it's a pretty strong condemnation. And we're willing to go there for David Cameron.
Does this mean we simply don't have a vast enough array of words for proper accuracy on the level of accusation? I don't think so... does it mean we might be a little OTT on our dislike of political figures? Perhaps...
Again, I reiterate my point that I don't object to the protests against the budget cuts in any way... but, I do find it a difficult contrast that in this country we are moved to the streets to protect a library so that a child has the right to not use it. In Libya, the public are moved to the streets so that a child has the right to democracy. Have we any words left for David Cameron should he decide to become dictator?

I feel there'll be some people wishing they hadn't used their C*bomb so early.


2. 20 people have died in Syria during protesting. In the last strikes, there was a huge uproar when police footage showed a young protester being dragged from their wheel chair by police. And it was shocking, and unacceptable, and not something that should ever happen again. If anyone dies today in the protests, there will be an absolute media storm - and so there should be. It would be a disgrace. But 20 people have died in Syria doing absolutely the same thing people from the UK are going to do today... and it's just become a standard news item.
Is it distance that makes it acceptable? They're far away, we can deal with death from a distance...?
Is it that they're Syrian? Do we still have that subconscious racist layer that demotes a death if it's from a country we know is less prosperous than ours?
Is it because they were protesting something a little more intense than budget cuts? Is death acceptable for some protests, but not for ours?

For all that the world is an international entity thanks to worldwide media, we're very good at pulling our collective consciousness back within our borders when it suits us.


3. Perhaps Britain is just uppity? Is that why we insist on voting the Tories in every decade or so? Gaddafi has been a dictator for 40+ years, and his people have finally had enough now. People born into his regime, knowing nothing else, are now rising up and fighting to get out of it. We've had David Cameron for a year or so now... we're pretty annoyed with him. Did we like Blair better? When's the next election? When can we get rid of him? Which colour shall we vote for next?

It just strikes me as being a totally different standard of life where we're moved to the streets and using the strongest language possible, and literally furious over what would be a pebble in the ocean to people in other lives. And we can't claim ignorance, we can't say we don't know about it so we must only focus on our own lives. We know about it. We can't claim there's nothing we can do - if we believed that we wouldn't be protesting over budget cuts and University fees (please don't get me started on the idiocy of saying people shouldn't have to pay for their own education).

So, there we go - perhaps that's my point. Whether or not you like the Government and believe it's doing the right thing with the deficit. Please, bear in mind our Government are unlikely to kill you, or starve you, or use rape as a weapon to stay in power. You're unlikely to starve.

Even with our country as "inhospitable" as we seem to be finding it right now, it's still heaven to the scores of immigrants who would die to live here. Protest away, protest at the top of your voice - but can you say thank you at the same time?

Hey, Book!

I would really like a time machine... with my time machine I would use it to go back to the time period of every book I've ever read. Then, I would sit and read my book in that time period and see how much things matched, how the smells come alive in the reality of it. Books are incredible and I think they're a bit like Pringles for me, in that, once I've started one I pretty much have to read it as quickly as possible if I like it. Some books are obviously like Cheese & Chive Pringles and you sort of put up with the first 10% to see if you were right about not liking them before you give up... but most are very catchy.

I think, with a book, you're allowed to put so much more of yourself into it than you can with a film - you read it in your own style and put your own voices in and imagine things in a completely unique way. I have a tendency to skip large chunks of description because I'm a bit narrative fixated - it means I get an action packed book but often have to go back and re-read sections because I have no real idea what's going on.

I suppose no book can really be exactly the same to two different people - no matter how meticulously read or written it was. It's a little bit like the (put on Kitson voice) "How do you even know you see the same red as I do...?" argument, except that it's less irritating and more an interesting study into how different people perceive different things.

I find books very absorbing and they leave their print quite firmly on the places that I've read them - I get infused in them and they in my memories of their time frame. For example, the DLR line between South Quay and Greenwich is peppered with memories of Conquistadors because that's where I did most of the reading of an excellent historical novel about those fellows. The duvet cover I bought myself as a present with my first pay cheque is also the same duvet cover that Lady Jane Grey had because they both came into my world at the same time and apparently my imagination is flaky at best... I've already outlived the good lady by about 7 years so I'm not unduly worried.

At the moment I'm reading a really excellent book set in Nero's reign... it's honestly amazing and one of the first books I've ever read and nigh on hoped they'd make a film of it - a really good film. I don't often feel like that, I usually like to keep books as close to my heart as possible and get very annoyed when they make a film. With The Time Traveller's Wife, I just can't bring myself to see the film in case it spoils the memory of the book. But with this book (Rome - The Emperor's Spy by M.C. Scott) I want to see it play out, and I want to see the men in the story properly... and without my time machine, I sort of need it to be a film.

That's really all I have to say, but I feel like (in true High Fidelity fashion) I should end on the best 5 books I can remember reading right now. This list would probably change daily as you asked me, but we'll go with it for right now -

5. Captain Correlli's Mandolin
4. Each Peach Pear Plum
3. The Time Traveller's Wife
2. River God (Wilbur Smith - actually the whole series is amazing...but we'll list this one for now...)
1. The Lies of Locke Lamora (Scott Lynch - there's an impending series which can't come quick enough...)