- “I wouldn’t fuck her.”
Monday, November 25, 2019
I’ve noticed lately that there is an inefficiency about the internet. I’m worried that my posting to the internet is causing a lot of people to have to repeat themselves ad nauseum in the comments section below whatever it is I’ve posted. I’m really upset by this: I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s loss of productivity and so to save people the time and resources, I just want to publish here some helpful things to save people having to tire their fingers out commenting.
Ok, here we go… here are some things you don’t need to worry about checking that I know about:
I appreciate you need to let me know this in case I think you having watched a video of me is tacit consent and I will now turn up at your house ready to hump you silly. I will always assume that anyone watching my videos is not any more interested in fucking me than I am in them.
2. “She has an asymmetric haircut. I feel X about this.”
I think the worry here is that, seconds before I went on stage someone gave me a surprise haircut which I didn’t notice whilst editing and uploading the video. It is rare for anyone to find out their haircut via the medium of YouTube comments so I think probably don’t worry about needing to inform me. I actually chose this haircut and carry it around on my head every day, so I’m pretty knowledgeable about what it looks like.
3. “She should stick to comedy, not politics.”
I’m so sorry if my comedy video in front of a live comedy audience laughing somehow came across as a serious political broadcast. It may be that people laughing out loud at what poiticians have been saying lately has confused you as to the difference between the two roles. I have taken every step I can think of, such as billing myself as a comedian, performing at comedy clubs (often with Comedy in their names) and making sure that nearly everything I say has a set-up and punchline that appeal to the majority of the room, to ensure that I cannot be mistaken for a member of parliament. However, I may be using the subject of politics to make jokes out of - I believe this is where the confusion lies BUT just to save your tired hands: you need not worry that I have switched careers, you just may not have recognised the jokes.
4. “It’s not funny.”
Often, if you’re commenting this - it’s because you’re not really a fan of my work and the video has found it’s way to you via other people sharing it because they liked it. You will probably have chosen not to share it, and rightly so, because you did not find it funny. This is very sensible behaviour on your part - if we all spent our time only sharing videos that were not funny the world would be a terrible place and I don’t think the internet would have caught on. So, the people who did share it have probably found it funny. Just to save you the effort of writing “It’s not funny” I will assume that if you neither comment on it nor share it nor interact with me you have not enjoyed it. If you are desperate to write something to indicate your non-enjoyment you are very welcome to use the alternative phrase “I don’t find this funny” or “I do not think this is funny” as you’re very welcome to an opinion, but not to make a final judgement summary for everyone.
5. “You wouldn’t say that to/about X”
I probably would, actually - it just isn’t in this video. Across ten years of being a comedian I have mocked pretty much everything set in front of me in some way. I’ve mocked most religions, races, sexes, sexualities, jobs, political opinions and people. I haven’t usually mocked them for who or what they are, but for who or what they are has also not insulated them from being mocked for something else. If what I’m joking about in the video you’re watching is something that upsets you, switch the video off and you will find it produces this marvellous effect where the video is not happening any more and you don’t have to watch it. You needn’t worry that me mocking Brexit is the death of free speech, or the Left wing disrespecting the will of the people; somewhere in my back catalogue you can also find jokes about deforestation, jackfruit and my own mental health. Try not to think that the video happening in front of you needs to be everything - it’s ok for this video to just be this video, and for there to be another video somewhere to balance it.
6. “She doesn't look like a supermodel.”
At the risk of repeating myself, I know this. I chose my clothes and the meals and exercise combo that got me to this weight. I did not rapidly gain weight between the green room mirror and the stage - this is just what I look like all the time and I often feel ok about it. My main job in a comedy room is to say funny things and until I’m at a weight where my ability to speak is restricted I am probably not going to worry about my body fat content in relation to my video content.
7. “Women shouldn’t swear.”
If you have any medical advice as to how swearing is detrimental to a woman’s health I invite you to email me a link. If it is just your personal preference, I invite you to fuck off.
8. “Don’t give up the day job.”
Now, personally, I love this kind of praise - it gives me real confidence. Comedy is my day job, and so by telling me there is no way on earth I should quit doing it you are really giving me the moral support I need to get through another day as a professional comedian. However, oftentimes I feel like it is used a criticism as if to say “don’t believe you could be a full time comedian.” I’m so sorry that I’ve wasted your time writing this - in order for this to work, you’ll need to write your comment and fire it all the way back to May 2015 which is when I last did anything other than being funny for money. However, if you know something about the impending collapse of all forms of entertainment as a revenue stream I invite you to email me. If it is just your personal preference, I invite you not to give up your day job to become a career advisor.