Monday, May 5, 2014


Editing is a wonderful thing.

Originally this post began: "Nothing annoys me more..." but then I realised a lot of things annoy me more, including my own infuriating tendency to speak in absolutes.

But, while we're on the subject of things that annoy me, I've just noticed that the World Cup must be coming up because advertisers seem to be using it to try and sell things related to it.

For example, if you spend £10 on Nivea Men you will receive a GIANT ENGLAND FLAG. Anyone who shaves their face on a regular basis will know that giant flags come in very handy for a really close shave. The giant flag is so giant that if you lay it on the floor while you shave the emergency services can see it from miles away and can come to your aid if one of the 18,004 blades on your new razor accidentally cuts you.

The giant flag is very absorbent which is excellent for shaving, and for crying into if your team of ball kickers doesn't do very well during the football tournament. This free giant flag really is a once in a lifetime offer, and you'd be absolutely crazy not to snap it up. I'm sure Nivea will be inundated with requests to make the free giveaway permanent after the games have stopped.

"Where are all the giant flags now?" The men will scream, "Whatever will I do now that I can't get sufficient giant flags to have a proper shave?"

Women up and down the country will turn to the makers of their Venus Lady Razors and cry blue murder that there are no giant flags for us. "Where are our giant flags?" we will scream, "Why do you keep this precious GIANT prize from us? Have we not given you enough?"

Another example of an item we simply cannot live without this football season, is floss. Yes, dental floss. Did you know that statistically food will get stuck in your teeth during the World Cup? Because it will. Oh yes! Don't you be mistaken and think for a second that the commentators and the penalties will keep the food away from the gaps in your teeth. They will not. But floss will! And you should certainly buy some now before the tournament starts... you don't want to be caught short.

It's anyone's guess why Cameron hasn't insisted that it be a priority for public announcements. Probably because he knows the NHS is unsustainable as it is and a run on dental floss is only going to make it worse. It's terrifying to think how many people went through the last World Cup without flossing extra hard. Did you know roughly 98% of tooth loss is utterly unrelated to the World Cup?

Interestingly, I've not so far seen any adverts for items actually relating to football. Things that you would naturally think the World Cup could sell, ie footballs, or boots, or shorts or televisions... those I just haven't seen on the screen. Weird! I guess I must just not understand advertising. I wonder how many degrees you need to know that:

World Cup = Giant Flags = Shaving Cream

is more logical than

World Cup = need a big television = big televisions

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