Thursday, January 9, 2014

Stabby McTabby

I recently had a children's book rejected so I thought I'd post it here and hopefully it can still spread some joy.

Stabby McTabby

Stabby McTabby was a mean old cat,
He had very few friends as a direct result of that.
For if you are mean, and not very kind
People move on and leave you behind.

So Stabby McTabby was all alone,
Except for his blade which he'd sharpen and hone,
And if any foolish creature came stumbling by,
McTabby would wave it, miming gouging an eye.

McTabby liked drinking, and sex, and drugs,
And hanging around with his alley cat thugs.
But one day McTabby's world turned on its head,
After satisfying a lady cat down in his bed.

They'd just finished banging and licking her clean,
When the lady cat turned and said something obscene,
And Stabby was shocked at the change in his heart,
As he realised he loved her and they could never part.

But the lady cat was a player, and had other aspirations,
And she said she was leaving despite Stabby's protestations.
Stabby fought with his urge to keep her in his sight,
And let her go softly, back in to the night.

He tossed and he turned in his old piss soaked bed,
Wishing he'd kept her somehow by his head.
If only he'd stabbed her, his old childhood trick,
He'd have someone to lie with in this pool of his sick.

Poor Stabby McTabby alone with his regrets,
Drinks until his good intentions disappear and he forgets.
Incontinent with whiskey breath, he steps out in the night,
To win back his precious lady love or die putting up the fight.

He stumbles down pitch alleyways,
Shouting 4 letters and spitting at gays,
A fouler sight has never been seen,
Than Stabby McTabby turned envy green.

Finally he spots her, in the light of a bin fire,
Settling down for the night in the rim of an old tyre.
Stabby McTabby advances with intent,
"I'll be back inside her before the night is spent!"

But, wait, what's that shadow beside his lady love?
Rising and falling and wearing her like a glove?
Stabby McTabby has a rival for her affection!
Stabby McTabby does not cope well with rejection...

He bursts forth towards the tyre, his rage is all consuming,
He takes no time to breathe deep and count, this angry pussy's fuming,
And Stabby McTabby lives up to his name, 
He stabs and he stabs and he stabs them again.

He stays there stabbing and stabbing all night,
Stabbing long after they cease putting up a fight.
He stabs them for revenge, to mend his broken heart,
He stabs until he thinks it might even be art.

He stabs them for pleasure, for pain and for mercy,
But here, dear reader, is the story's controversy.
When he finished his stabbing he just wandered home,
And lived out the rest of his natural life without consequence,
Because he is a cat and they don't have police or a justice system.

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