Oh My Wicked Heart

I think I'm becoming a Cheryl Cole fan.

I don't know how it's happened and I don't know what to do to stop it if I'm honest. It's been a gradual slide which I've tried to resist and somehow she's overpowered me with her twiggy little legs, chavvy hair and demonic fashion sense.

All through the X Factor, the logical side of my brain was telling me that Danni was a vision and that I should be gazing at her not Cheryl. The incredibly logical side of my brain was telling me to turn the show off altogether but I had some Cardle issues that needed closure. My brain didn't listen to my brain and my crush on Cheryl intensified.

But it was kind of ok when I just had an appreciation of how beautifully she's been crafted. She's a vision. Let's face it. Cracker. And now, she's teamed up with Derek Hough - a man sculpted to look like more like Cheryl than Cheryl herself.

Will their children all be identical? A bit like when Lady & The Tramp have kids and each child is a perfect copy of the parent rather than an evolutionary step...? The Hough-Tweedy-Cole family could give Village of the Damned a run for its money in the freaky stakes.

Unfortunately I've now begun listening to her music. And this, is a major issue. I took the Jason Derulo music problem as a blip and I've thankfully moved on without issue. It turns out I just had to download The Baseballs album to remind myself that music without fun was less than enjoyable. But Cheryl?

Really Laura? Cheryl?

The music isn't good. It's not 'nice' on the ears. No one would choose to listen to it - I'm fairly certain given the choice even deaf people would pick silence when offered a Cheryl track or an audio void.

So, it's not the melodic stylings of Miss Cole/Tweedy/Cowell that I'm drawn to. Can it be her lyrical dexterity? Is it the way she effortlessly tugs on the heartstrings and draws you into a world of magic and illusion?

Given that I can't understand the vast of things she wails, no - it probably isn't that. The latest song that's found its way to my cochlea is 'Promise This' where I'm confident she sings a refrain from the popular French song 'Allouette'. It's either that or she's singing 'All the witter' - perhaps in reference to her own album?

Lordy. It's so difficult!

I'm starting to think this is what it feels like to be a man. Men seem irresistably drawn to certain women, literally without the physical power to do anything about it. If you've never had to confront someone who's cheated on you then I'll explain to you, often the line of conversation will run as thus -

"Why did you do it?"
"I don't know."
"Would you rather be with her than me?"
"No. She was just there."
"Do you love her?"
"No, I don't even like her. I don't know why I did it. I couldn't help myself."

This is how I know my conversation would go with Clapton or Dylan should they ever pull my headphones out and despair at my straying. There is no logic to it - she's just so shiny...perhaps had I understood this at the time of my relationship woes I would have forgiven...who the fuck am I kidding, I still should have stapled his balls to his nipples.

Please not my use of *should* here. My lawyer has advised me to use this in place of *would* until after the appeal.

But anyway...what is this mystical power that sirens like our Cheryl have over men, and now women too so it would seem?! They must be stopped before we're all bowing low to Diana Vickers and paying our taxes to Natalie Portman. And if we can't stop them, how do I become one of them...?