Nudity is Not an Option

I thought I was going to a posh frocked masked ball tonight. Before you start any of your scoffing about how I must have misinterpreted and I'm not actually invited - I'm still going, it's just that it's not quite a posh frocked masked ball... having looked at the website for the event, it turns out it's a little bit more of a nakey, nudey, posh masked (but not necessarily clothed) ball.

There will be a buffet... but there will be a few naked people lying artistically in the buffet. There will be masks, but I may be running around slipping them down to lower parts of people to cover other bits of their anatomy. Why would you put a naked person on a buffet? Naked people are terrifying, they generally signify 1 of 4 things -

1. A naked person you are supposed to touch privately and make them feel all tingly. This is a terrifying prospect because some of us are not natural lovers. We like to be clothed, with no skin touching someone else's skin, and we like to not to have to pretend we like the idea of being mauled. That's just how some of us work. And we like it like that. So there. So please don't put naked people in our buffets.

2. A naked person (usually very young or very old) who is naked because they need taking care of. This may involve bathing and putting cream on the areas of the anatomy that are not seen when the person is not nudey. If this naked person is your own (either parent or child) then it may not be considered too bad...however, it may still be uncomfortable.

3.A surprise naked person. These are potentially the worst type of naked person because they constitute a very real nudey danger. This is either a surprise nudey person in your immediate vicinity (I still have flash backs to my second year at University when I returned to my room with two cups of tea to see that they guy who had called round was a little more comfortable in my presence than I'd thought. The tea had already left my hands before the promise to put his pants back on had left his lips. No one likes a scalded testicle.) or a nudey person out in the wild. Arguably the wild naked person is slightly more alarming because it shows mental instability and potential desire to be infectious. If nudity spread as an epidemic then we would have to consider laminated bus seats and a lot more exercise.

4. A nudey person hired to make you feel inferior at what was meant to be a posh frock masked ball that you are going to in support of your beloved housemate's birthday. I am going to take a lot of hessian sacks and signs that say "What would your mother think?" and then wander round with a Nora Batty type expression on my face while people tut and tell me I'm a kill joy. I'm not a kill joy, I'm just a nervous nudey person. I will feel insecure because if I was nude on a buffet people would be asking why there were so many sausage rolls and why someone had thought to put sundried tomatoes on the two iced buns.