Hello all, this is the beginning of my campaign election. I feel I would represent the people, represent our innermost thoughts, represent the way we really feel about things and get them across in an accessible, edgy and understandable manner.
I believe I have the tact to discuss relations with our fellow Europeans without offending long term, without soft footing for fear of reprisals and without being blindly personal in my feelings on certain performances.
I would be prepared to conduct substantial research to make sure my coverage of all events and history was fair, interesting and contributed well to the proceedings. I would be willing to travel, to dress for the role and to use my position in the spotlight to bring events up to date with a modern audience.
For too long, it has been viewed as uncool to want to be involved - people have questioned the relevancy of theis 'outdated' procedure asking why so much money is wasted, why we continue to subject ourselves to humiliation and why we let the sorry charade continue.
But this is exactly why the Eurovision Song Contest needs me. I believe I am just the person to put this embarassing Graham Norton period aside and step into the shoes/slippers of Terry Wogan to bring you all the latest news from the stadium.
I can be a bitch, I can be kind, I can comment beyond belief on awful outfits and, if required, I can also have a very good go at some of the more hilarious dance moves. For the last 10 years I have faithfully watched Eurovision with unwavering commitment - I've seen transvestites, bum cheeks, unkempt saccharine and blindingly horrendous electropop. But my scorecard and I have sat faithfully by, never giving up home that one year there might be some genuine entertainment in the show.
When will England win again?
When will the Israeli entry not make you want to choke yourself on romantic warbling?
When will Ireland learn that panpipes and violins are a thing of the past?
When will Germany stop scaring us?
When will my shrill little voice be bringing you all the commentary you can handle?
Only you can make that happen. Get protesting people and let's see what we can do.