Dream Job

Last night I had an interview for a job I would absolutely love to have - OK so it's not my dream job, but then I'm not sure there's a job out there where you can feed David Attenborough grapes for 8 hours a day (he'd be sick) - so this is almost as close as I can get at the moment.

Having a really good job interview is a little bit like meeting someone on a night out and then having to seriously hope they can find you on Facebook afterwards to look into seeing you again. A million things suddenly occur to you about what you could have done better, been clearer on or things you could have put on your CV that would have made you the most super-dooper candidate they have.

It would be really nice to be able to sit in on all the other candidates and tut as they try and answer questions. Just the odd "Really?!" under your breath to unsettle them and make the interviewer think very hard about anything they might come out with. The frustration is knowing that you are perfect for a role but your mouth is not playing ball and letting the right words come out of your mouth... instead of saying that you're looking for a fresh challenge and you want the job because you've got a career plan to stick to and you're looking for a new industry, you've said you want the job because you've gotten to level 65 on Tetris now through sheer boredom in your current job and so please can you work somewhere else?

Other unsuitable things to admit in your interview include, but are not limited to -

1. This office is closer to my home than my current job so I can sleep more if I work here.
2. I have slept with everybody interesting in my current office - fresh meat required.
3. When my boss finds the files I accidentally saved on the shared file I am going to have to leave anyway.
4. You guys are allowed to wear jeans here and, to be honest, I hate ironing so it suits me perfectly.
5. You don't seem to be able to do that "raising one eyebrow" thing that means you are displeased but won't say anything. I find that easier to work with.
6. No one has mentioned cold calling.
7. You are willing to pay me quite a lot of money. This pleases me.
8. Your lift looks reliable and I've never been one for turning up to work looking sweaty because I can handle a maximum of 8 steps.
9. You seem like you'll be OK with me listening to Pop Master on Radio 2 every morning without fail.
10. I am here because you're one of the only people who offered me an interview.


Let's just hope all the pearls of idiocy I probably came out with last night are of less significance than the ones above.