1. It is, really, only one hair - which in the grand scheme of things is not important. It's not even worth worrying about. It turns out I have 114,528 other hairs which are brown, and so this one grey hair is definitely insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It's barely even worth thinking about really, if you think about it. So what if 0.0008731% of the hairs on my head are grey? Only a fool would put any energy or time into worrying about such miniscule issues.
2. This could be the beginning of an incredible transformation into a Cruella DeVille type figure where I get a funky patch of white hair instead of going all over grey. This is the perfect opportunity to find out whether I'm inherently evil, and whether I should be scheming instead of thinking up jokes.
3. I now have a picture of myself up behind the counter in every Boots store in London (grey hair not visible). In my quest to find a mate, this might make things easier as I am casting my net to a wider audience. In retrospect, storming into the hair dye aisle and painting "Follicles Be Damned" all over the floor in Garnier Nutrisse may have been slightly immature but what's done is done and we must look on the bright side.
4. All my years of suffering Davina McCall's incessant blathering to her mother may not have been in vain as I now find myself in a position where I could choose to purchase her product. There is no mention in the advert of how many greys you require before you must join the ranks of the paint heads.
5. If my new grey (I call him Bertram) is to be a permanent and spreading fixture it may be possible, when I choose my next mate, to befriend Courtney Cox and achieve the label of "cougar"". I feel this can only be a positive attribute and will make me wildly attractive to anyone seeking a woman with a slight smell of desperation and ammonia.
6. I can stop worrying about split ends and these mysterious pentapeptides as it's increasingly clear that my head will now look awful whatever I do.
7. Grey is often seen as the colour of wisdom. As I search for my new job it may be possible to look for better positions now such as librarian or dinner lady in which a distinguished head of Bertrams is an essential attribute.
8. I can stop carrying my passport around at all times in case I should want an alcoholic beverage, a cigarette or to prove I'm not a dirty stinking immigrant.
9. Having a grey hair feels significantly better than being a racist. This may be something I'll remind myself of from time to time.
10. Should my hairs ever need to hold an election to decide who is going to be their leader, it will now be very obvious who they should choose as Bertram is distinguished and stands out from the crowd - worthy attributes of a leader. Of course, my hairs will first have to decide whether they are going to have AV or not and this is something that might lead to widespread nosebleeds at the sheer tedium of the whole debate. If the outcome of any election is a Government too desperate to please a whining population into voting to pay them more than do what's right for the majority public, then the election was a waste of time. Why not just stick to one Government and let them U-Turn on policies once every 2 years? It would have the same effect. Bertram would be different. Bertram stands out proudly and is the vice-versa Obama on the America of my scalp. Huzzah for Bertram.
11. Theoretically I have lost weight - which is, of course, a positive for any female in the Western world. Bertram has significantly less melanin in him than the rest of my flock. I am now 8.5 stone minus the weight of Bertram's melanin - making me probably somewhere near a healthy 7st8. This will be of much use to me in my impending acting career as I can now jostle for roles usually taken on by the famous stickle brick in a wig - Renee Zellweger.
12. If this radicalisation of my hair tone continues there's a good chance The Crash Test Dummies will be able to dedicate a verse to me and my incredible body based phenomenon.
13. There is living proof on my head that middle class white girls with a good background, healthy support system and no real issues at all can be stressed too. Stressed to the point of aesthetic depletion I might add. Now please can we have some charities?
14. Waxing the nether regions will no longer feel like a pointless chore given that nobody in their right mind has foraged there for approximately far too long for comfort. I can now tell myself that this is a localised heart attack prevention scheme designed to help me avoid feeling rubbish when I have a squirrel nutkin coloured lady garden. Eventually I'll be able to pack the Veet away and go for a blue rinsed noo-noo but for now I can set aside my own alarming lack of human contact and Brazillian away without considering the deforestation effect it will be having on any tribal inhabitants. Discovering my grey hair has also made it clear that the reason I may have less romantic attention than the average darts player is that I intimate I may have tribes living in my pants.
15. Should I ever need to plead insanity after committing a heinous crime I can submit this blog post, tell them Bertram told me to do it and get of scot free to go and live in a deliciously padded room and pretend to be the Marquis de Sade.
Thank you Bertram.