So... tomorrow night I have been invited out to play Urban Golf... I said yes before fully considering two things -
1. I don't know what Urban Golf is...
2. I can't play regular golf let alone a more complicated version...
So, all in all, tomorrow evening tomorrow is looking interesting at best. How does one dress for Urban Golf? Is it OK to combine your golf trousers with a hoodie and a backwards baseball cap? Or, am I supposed to attempt some kind of Urban chic ensemble where I totter about Kensington playing golf and declaring that I'm so cosmopolitan I never use my oven and I think it's fine to talk about bikini waxing over breakfast? I don't think I am particularly urban... the highlights of my weekend were baking cookies and going to see an animated film about a lizard.
Is it acceptable to shout Fore Sho' every time you hit the ball particularly hard?
I'm not particularly adept at golf, however, I have a sneaky plan... I will blame my poor performance on the differences between Urban and Country Golf... of which I have decided the main differences are -
1. Being in the rough means something completely different in the city.
2. Concrete greens are much harder than grass.
3. In Country Golf if you hit feral creatures it's not the end of the world, in Urban Golf people get mad you've hurt their kids.
Having examined the website for urban golf, it turns out it's some kind of golfing simulator for people who can't be bothered to leave London and go and experience fresh air. This strikes me as the perfect opportunity to cause a little well-placed mayhem...? Maybe just enter the simulator and start freaking out about the wide open spaces?
"IT'S SO HUGE!!! THOSE ARE TREES... AND THEY'RE NOT IN AN ADVERT FOR ANYTHING!!! WHY IS THERE NO FENCE ROUND THE GRASSY BITS? I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!"
I might not get invited back to play Urban Golf again in the near future, but it would be worth it...
I think the whole idea of Urban Golf is flawed... it goes against basic evolution. There are sports designed for Urban living - bowling, conkers... pogs... golf is not one of them. Golf is an incredibly tedious, mind numbing tool of a sport and then only thing that makes it vaguely worthwhile is the ramble in the open air with a golf club in one hand and a bottle of Saint-Emillion in the other. I have a feeling I won't be allowed to drink in the simulator.
Having said all that, I'm game for a laugh... let the chaos ensue...