Boolshatometer Red

When you work in an office you have to learn to multi-task. I don't mean in that you need to learn how to write emails whilst doing a lot of other admin work... you need to be able to block out the reams of bullshit being spouted by other people and concentrate on what you're doing.

It's entirely necessary to block out all chatter and boasting about how much pussy your co-worker would have got at the weekend if it wasn't for that blasted missus, and it's equally vital that you learn to see through the vast acres of crap being blasted straight at you.

When you ask the question, "Why hasn't this been done as it should be?" it would be refreshing, just once in a while, to get the answer - "Ah, because I'm an employee of average intelligence who works for minimum wage with no company perks. This results in a feeling of almost total apathy towards my tasks and my superiors, so, although I've not done it properly and I'm aware of it - I simply can't muster the energy to care."

But instead you get some monologue about human resourcing allocations, time pressures before deadlines and the complicated procedures in place that make it difficult to achieve everything on a tick list.

If I worked at NASA I might understand... I might be able to appreciate that a rocket requires more than a bit of gaffer tape and a screwdriver and so it's tricky to estimate properly what time things will be finished.

I don't work at NASA. I don't even work near NASA. Nothing about my job is comparable to NASA. Except that I stare into space a lot.

Business is a curious beast... it's almost as though the idea of 'professionalism' has become a monster that's impossible to put back in the box. I don't fully understand the concept of going to work in a suit, knowing I won't see any clients, just my co-workers, who don't care either... who have I worn a suit for?

For my own motivation? I feel like a dumb ass. If I'd had half an hour longer in bed because I didn't have to get up an iron a shirt I'd be a lot more motivated.

For my co-workers motivation? They've already indicated that I look like a child going to school. The resulting half hour trip down memory lane on YouTube to see whether I looked more like Just William or Penny Crayon was not a good use of company hours.

For professionalism? Clearly hasn't worked. I'm publicly blogging my disdain for the whole affair. Massive fail on your part corporate world!

Wouldn't the world be a better place if we did business like real people instead of trying to condone this weird role-playing game of suited and booted morons?

The clients I have the healthiest accounts and working relationships with are the ones that I can talk a little more candidly with. Anyone in sales will tell you that personality wins the day and that a meeting in a pub over lunch will win you more brownie points than a powerpoint... it's common knowledge. And yet, we persist in pretending that this is maverick behaviour...

So, what I'm saying is let's sack off the 9-5, tear down the sky scrapers, plant an allotment each and take trading back to the beginning. Bartering for goats and children from now on and let's see if we can't evolve this beast in a more satisfactory direction.

I mean, sure - it's a pretty dramatic step to take just so I can wear comfy trousers and welly boots instead of skirts and heels. But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to try out. Who's with me?