My worst nightmare has been realised... I am going on a corporate team building event to play golf tomorrow.
This is the biggest indicator to me so far that I am totally right in my desire to be a self-employed, lonely comedian who never has to team build, is entirely selfish and certainly has no reason to want to play golf. Unless of course I was doing an Alex Horne tribute show and it was necessary but that it tangetial, a little obscure and too ridiculous a reference for us to take seriously.
Why in the name of heaven has golf managed to crop up for the second time in two weeks after 24 gloriously golf-free years?? I DO NOT LIKE GOLF - why is the great God of golf attemtpting to ply me into his bunkerous world of bollocks?
It's not just that I don't like golf, I also don't like caps, I don't like jerseys, I'm not a huge fan of flags, and manicured grass makes me very annoyed. Golf is just an excuse to ruin perfectly good stretches of wild land with the sporting equivalent of an ornamental pond.
And yet, here I am, going on a compulsory day trip to South West London to go and putt and wedge and wood stupid little balls into stupid little holes.
All in the name of team building. Team building?
What is team building about golf? Surely a sport that has more obvious teams would be far more appropriate? Can't we all just watch Tin Cup and team build over mutual disrespect for Kevin Costner's career path? Can't we all just accept that we're office workers, we have no interest in socialising unless it's over drinks and the only reason we've congregated is that there's always one person drunk enough to buy most of the rounds?
Eugh... I've also been advised to wear a polo shirt. I've not worn a polo shirt since I was about 13 and my school switched over to shirts and blazers. I'm not even sure I own a polo shirt. Is it acceptable to just selotape lots of polos to a normal shirt and turn up on a horse?
Not happy. Not happy at all. They are obviously trying to build a team with a profile that I just don't fit into. Perhaps it's time to leave.