Right, I came down this morning to find people I didn't know in my living room.
That was fine.
I came down a little later to find the people I didn't know had left.
That was fine, I might even say better.
I went into the lounge to find they had used my Tim Minchin mug and left a cup of cold tea in it.
That was not fine.
THAT IS NOT FINE.
Whoever you were in my living room this morning... we need to talk. It was OK that you slept on my sofa, I'm sure you must know one of my housemates. It's OK that you wanted tea, it's OK that you borrowed a mug to do it.
It's not OK that you used my Tim Minchin mug. Do any of the other mugs in the kitchen have a shrine and their own shelf? No. Just that one. Do any of the other mugs in the kitchen have a small bed made of MDF that I constructed and tuck it into every night? No. Just that one.
What made you think you were special enough to use my Tim Minchin mug? Huh? Get your head out of your ass and notice that it is special. PLEASE!
It's the only totally black mug in the kitchen - I know that makes it stand out. And also makes us look like mug racists. But, it was not made for you. Did you wash your hands before you used it? Where is my note to praise my excellent taste in comedy, music, mugs and mug beds? Huh? No one is that busy that the details of such things don't occur to them.
The other thing we need to discuss is that you've not even drunk the offending tea you've 'brewed' in my haven of praise. My Tim Minchin mug is not to be snubbed. Is that clear? If you use it, if you touch it, IF YOU EVEN LOOK AT IT, it is important that you finish the tea you've made.
Have I offended you in some way and you feel the need to piss me off by ruining my children? I wouldn't come round to your house and take a poop that I didn't flush. I wouldn't come round to your house and start to adopt your favourite child and then stop. I DAMN SURE WOULDN'T COME ROUND TO YOUR HOUSE AND MAKE SOME PISS POOR TEA IN YOUR FAVOURITE MUG AND THEN LEAVE IT PLAIN SIGHT.
My Tim Minchin mug remains in the kitchen or in my room. It never, I repeat NEVER sits on the coffee table where it could be knocked off and broken, or seen through the window and stolen. May I remind you, my mug and I live on the Old Kent Road... it's a rough area. Do you think I'm going to survive long if people find out I have excellent mugs and clearly a taste for cerebral comedy?
Are you trying to get me killed?
I think it's best you don't come round here again. I'm going to wash and re-laminate my mug since you defiled it. But it's important I never find out who you were. Because I will shred you, so small I can then keep you in your own mug. Next to my Tim Minchin mug... and we will both mock you.