Grindstone

Bah... first day back at my desk in a week and my concentration levels are dangerously low... it's almost a struggle to keep my eyes looking in the same direction for more that 15 consecutive seconds. I feel a bit like a character in a video game that visibly switches off if you don't interact with it for more than a minute. I wish my body had a screensaver programme so that when I got ultra bored and wanted to disappear into a daydream I could do that and just leave a facade of activity on the front... bliss.

The most exciting thing that's happened to the office while I've been away is that we now have mugs. No more paper cups and worrying about the environment - I can drink a proper cup of tea in a proper mug with a handle - what more could a girl ask for? Not a freaking lot. Well, maybe a job that was intellectually stimulating and didn't involve daily investigations into Google's latest strategy. Can we just all agree that Google have a great sense of humour and not much of a strategy and it's hilarious that such a huge industry has evolved around it? If we don't mind doing that then I can go home now. Thanks.

I think my ideal job will involve some kind of wildlife aspect to it...perhaps as Kate Humble's assistant or some kind of zookeeper with a stand up slot in between feeding the goats and otters? If I was on animal park I'd like to work with Keeper Brian Kent who loves the wolves, I would be Head of Section Laura Lexx and I would be in charge of all small animals and llamas and goats. People would come from miles around to marvel at my Dr Doolittle type skills as I fixed the sick critters and taught blind children to ride them. Everyone would love me. Think Mary Poppins but with pigs.

I'm not even allowed to have a pretend animal section at my current job - we have a Tidy Desk Policy. The Tidy Desk Policy is an attempt to keep all elements of personality out of the workplace just in case you enjoy yourself and show that you are not a money seeking machine. I think this is probably for the best though because before the Tidy Desk Policy I used to play with my neighbour's stuffed toys to the extent that when I bumped into an unknown co-worker in a bar one night he introduced himself by asking "Are you the girl that sits down the other end of the office...were you playing with a bell yesterday?"

I had to explain that, "Yes, I was playing with a bell - because the cow had been run over by the rubber car and so the bull was in an ambulance going to rescue him."

I've not spoken to that guy since and, actually, he now sits with his back to me. When I'm self-employed as a comedian I won't have a Tidy Desk Policy, I will have a Creative Desk Policy which will mean I have to add something cool to my desk everyday until it becomes unusual and then I need to buy a new desk. By the time I'm brilliant and have my own comedy club and TV sitcom I will have a room dedicated to desks of all shapes and sizes and cluttered to the ceiling with brilliant artefacts.

But, for now...