Whistling into an egg cup.

I am wearing some wonderful boots to work today. They are wonderful for many reasons - mostly that they make me feel a lot like a superhero - some kind of ninja type creature with a svelte figure and incredible balance.

I have never been svelte. I've been many things. But never svelte. I'm so un-svelte in fact that I had to look it up to see how you spell it because I've never had need for it before. Now I've used the word svelte too many times and it's lost all meaning. I once did this with my sister's name and by the time I got off the bus and through the front door I was convinced she wasn't actually called Megan. She was too confused as to how this could happen to be angry at me properly but I knew she was hurt by my profound stupidity.

I am small and a bit curvy in both the right and wrong places but I'm certainly not svelte. I'm also not balanced in any sense of the word. I fall over a lot and have a tendency towards neurotic episodes that some might called mentally 'un-balanced'. In fact, only the other day in my office one of my co-workers oh so casually asked 'Laura, have you ever been diagnosed with bi-polar?' indicating that if I said no he would immediately do the honours. I decided not to reply and just went back to painting my desk half rainbow, half skulls.

So the fact that my boots make me feel like a ninja is excellent. They are blue and yellow and black with swirly lines and funky heels that are a bit high but not too high. I can walk around the office giggling that no one by the printer has any idea I fight crime by night. I don't really fight crime but I do hide from hammer murderers so well that I don't even come into the room I'm in.

Dressing for the office is hard at the best of times because no one wants to be totally frumpy, but no one also wants to be the young pretender who's half dressed to work and half dressed to stop the men folk doing their work. So my new boots fit the bill perfectly. They are a little bit 'ooh' whilst also being a little bit 'I'm far too zany to actually sleep with you without probably having to have haveyour complete medical records first'. Which I feel is a positive.

I think I will find a place to go this weekend where I can really test out the boots' capabilities. I won't be jumping off buildings to check the jet pack, or hopping out on muggers to see if they have a super kick. I'll just be walking around town looking haughty and clever and seeing if this stops people doing crime. I have a feeling my test will be very effective and if it is I can put this forward to the government to counter the cuts in spending they are making to the forces. Foolproof. Proof, fool.