Well who saw that coming?! Not me! That’s for sure. The train I was on earlier was driven by a goose – AN ACTUAL GOOSE. I was waiting at Poole to go back to London and when the train pulled up at the platform and slowed down the goose poked it’s head out of the cabin at the front and looked me square in the eye before pulling it’s windy neck back in through the window and settling into its chair.
Do you have any idea how scary that is for someone with a massive phobia of birds? The idea that your life is in the hands of some preppy dickhead with white feathers and big feet? At first I was umming and ahhing about whether to get on the train at all but I had to really because I needed to get back to London. I picked a carriage somewhere near the front, figuring that if the goose ran into difficulties then I would at least be on hand to help out. And it would need someone on hand because it only had wings.
I settled down into my seat and was amusing myself with texting etc and didn’t really think much of it, but it was pretty weird! Then, about half an hour later I was waiting for the ticket conductor when the carriage doors open at one end and a goose comes through with the confectionary trolley! I was absolutely bricking it but I stayed calm and when he came over to my seat I thought I’d try and be polite.
Goose – Would you like any hot drinks madam?
Laura – Yes please, could I have a tea?
Goose – Yes, that’ll be £1.30 please.
Laura – Thanks, that’s very cheap. By the way are you a goose?
Goose – Yes. Why?
Laura – Just wondering. So, is this train entirely run by geese?
Goose – No. I’m the only one.
Laura – Oh. It’s just I thought I saw one driving the train earlier.
Goose – Yeah, that was me.
Laura – Oh. So, is it someone else’s turn to drive now?
Goose – No.
Laura – So, who’s driving now?
Goose – Well, no one. There was a straight bit coming up so I thought I’d get the drinks done.
Laura – Oh, well that sounds fair...wait a minute. NO IT DOESN’T YOU CRAZY GOOSE! So no one is driving this train?
Goose – Don’t they just drive themselves?
Laura – Not that I’m aware of.
Goose – Oh bugger.
I have literally never been so pissed off in my entire life. I had to carry on doing the tea round while the dumbass goose went back to driving the train. By the time we got to Waterloo I was so angry I marched straight to the help desk and asked to lodge a complaint.
The swan behind the desk was less than helpful and broke my arm with its beak to prove a point. I am so livid with the whole railway system it’s unreal. They think they can just get away with all this stuff and no one is going to do anything about it? Well. Here beginneth my campaign to get birds out of the transport system. Because they are wankers.