Think of Peter Brook

I have had this window open for a few hours now. I mean computer window not my bedroom window. I'm not contemplating jumping or anything mightily ridiculous. But I have come to the conclusion I have nothing of any interest or merit to say this morning. At all. I honestly don't think I've ever been so stumped for an opinion on something, anything to write about.

I'm now slightly worried that when I step out of the front door people will say hello and I'll just stand there staring back at them with a blank expression on my face - completely devoid of anything interesting that the world could possibly need adding.

Maybe this is it? Maybe I have simply used up all my words. There is nothing else I have in my head that could come out that could possibly contribute positively to the human race and so I've been struck dumb. This is very different to dumb struck despite the assumed similarities.

This is a massive kick in the teeth for my aims to be a professional stand-up comedian as it means I'm either going to have to start plagiarising or get a new career. Neither of these is something I particularly want to do although I'd be happier retraining as a tummy button physician than I would spouting words I didn't write and lapping up the credit for them. I would genuinely hate to be a tummy button physician too. It would make me feel sick constantly as I'm quite freaked out by tummy buttons and I try and avoid them as much as possible.

For these reason I won't be blogging today - I'm really sorry to disappoint you. I realise your life does revolve around my anally retentive antics and I hate to leave a bald patch in your day without anything to read. I could blog about the mediocre thoughts that have crossed my mind this morning but as it was mainly about eating 2 slices of peanut butter on toast and then immediately wishing I hadn't and staring at myself in the mirror wondering if I could physically see how much weight I've gained this morning, I think I'll leave it. They're not terribly interesting thoughts and tend to leave me with the desire to go and smash up jars of peanut butter to wreak my revenge.

I don't even like peanut butter very much. It's ok when mixed with marmite but other than that it's sickly sweet nonsense really. The crunchy stuff is far superior to the smooth if you had to choose - but no one should ever be made to make that choice in my opinion. We should all just lead peanut butter free lives and be done with it. Screw you peanut butter you have ruined my intention to blog every day until Christmas and now, because of you, I not only have to think of outfits I can hide a corset and body sock under, I also have no blog today. Whoever thought peanut butter could have such an effect on someone's life? I mean obviously it'd have a massive effect if you were allergic to nuts and ate some but other than that you'd think it'd be a relatively easy thing to avoid and just go about your day without.

Ho hum.

So, really what I want to say is sorry there is no blog today. I wish there was one, and I will try hard to write on tonight if I discover some words in the stairway of the flat or something. Quiz In My Pants might suffer irrevocably without me saying anything. I will apologise in advance to whoever gets lumped on my team - if I can find the words.

Poo.