Snot Marshall Jones

I'm utterly terrified as hell this morning. If my life was a film the opening moments would have been the camera pulling a close up on my wide terrified eyes as I lay there under the duvet (on the mattress in the front room of the 2 bedroom flat 7 people slept in last night). There would be wind chimes jingling (or chiming) softly in the background, maybe the curtains would press gently out on a gentle breeze before sucking back in to the window and letting in a sliver of grey morning light.

Then an alarm would go off, shrill and electronic sounding. It would get put on snooze. Then it would go off again.

Then all my friends would get up and cheerily wish Jamie a happy birthday. Pretty much at this point the atmosphere would jump to happy, as people gather toast and tea and give presents to Jamie and generally revel in the loveliness of her deciding to come up and see us for her birthday.

But when the camera pans round to the left you see a shrivelled girl (or is it a woman? No one really knows), she is shivering in the corner with the look of a haunted child slave on her face. She is dreading the moment when everyone is showered and clean and dressed...she is dreading stepping out of the front door and going to their first event of the day...

They are off to feed some swans.

I have a HUGE phobia of birds, I'm literally terrified of them. In the list of three things that scare me (wind, birds and tummy buttons), birds definitely come first. Birds are utterly terrifying because there is no escaping a bird attack - they can fly, swim and walk...where can you possibly go to get rid of them? Unless, you're a miner. But I'm a little clasutrophobic so I'd rather not have to live in a pit for the rest of forever.

Swans are especially scary because they can break your leg just by blinking at you through the power of their wings. All they need to do is show those beady little eyes at you and concentrate and all your limbs just snap off. BOOM POW BOOM (not a black eyed peas song - that's mini me exploding.)

Swans are the spawn of the devil - actual fact. That's why the devil is known as the devil. In 1242 he mated with a carrier pigeon who was supposed to be taking a message of peace from God to Einstein, who thought they had finally worked out a way to solve the world's problems. The carrier pigeon fell heavily pregnant with the devil's seed and gave birth to the world's first swan. And this swan was a heinous bitch. She flew the length and breadth of the world murdering, raping and pillaging. The idea of the 'vikings' is actually an entirely make believe race, made up to cover the fact that swans had managed to wreak so much havoc over the human race.

This is a necessarily short blog because I have to go and put my armour on and eat something to settle the butterflies...if I survive this heinous ordeal you'll hear about it tomorrow...