Sunday, July 24, 2011

7 Reasons Not To See Any Free Fringe Shows In Edinburgh

1. The free fringe has been organised by a team of people who have all worked together. Do you know who else works together? Communists. Do you know what Communists do? No. Neither do I. For a good reason. If you want to keep blissful ignorance re Communism and anger at people capable of working in teams alive, then for goodness sake don't go and see these shows.

2. You will not have to get tickets for these shows. No one will print you a ticket. Do you know what else you don't have to have tickets for? Funerals. Nothing good ever comes from funerals and nothing good will come from seeing a free fringe show. You will be actively supporting the concept of rainforest saving. Do you know how many lives are lost in rainforests every year? Neither do I. But the Communists do.

3. People on the Free Fringe have arranged to do these shows for little to no profit. This is bad. It's not bad because they've given up profits - hardly any performers on the paid fringe make profits either - but they've also not given any money to anyone else to make a profit either. The venue owners aren't getting cash, the performers aren't getting cash, there's no one organising the fringe that's making cash... everyone is just doing it together because they want to. Did you hear that? No one is making a tonne of cash. Do you know who else doesn't make a tonne of cash? Communists. Do you know why they don't make a tonne of cash? Neither do I. But it must be bad, because I've used a capital C for Communists. Making sense?

4. None of the people you see on the Free Fringe will be "off the telly". The television is like a sniffer dog for comedic talent. If it hasn't sniffed out a comedian yet then they are not funny and never will be so don't bother going to see them. There's no such thing as a hidden gem. There is only someone who has not made it because they are not the television.*

5. At the end of each Free Fringe show you'll get shown a bucket into which you can drop some money depending on how much you liked the show. This can only lead to people being aware that they should have some say on how much they pay for things. People's opinions are dangerous and get out of control... what if people start to think that cinema tickets are too expensive and big production houses shouldn't get so much money? What if they begin to think Hollywood stars are vastly overpaid? Seeing actors who aren't getting paid so much and are equally as good can only upset the status quo.**

6. At the end of each Free Fringe show you'll get shown a bucket into which you can drop some money depending on how much you liked the show. This is a role traditionally played by the humble hat. Buckets are like the grey squirrels in this scenario, systematically wiping out hats. Do you want to wear a bucket on your head? No. Then don't go and see a Free Fringe show. Please.

7. Supporting the Free Fringe means supporting alliteration. If you can't see an issue there then you are sick.***

Thanks for having a good look at this page and supporting a worthy cause. It's best that you don't bother going to the Fringe at all, just let television do the scouting for you. Thanks.

* You see relatively few Communists on television too.
** Francis Rossi and Rick Parfitt are huge campaigners for Hollywood stars' rights.
*** Comfortable Communists will be inclined to disagree here.

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