Would you like splash back with that?

Last night I got forcibly removed from a gents' toilet. For not a toilet owned by some old men in tweed who hold doors open for people, but a standard toilet for men to use in a restaurant.

I say forcibly, I mean a little waiter man put his head around the door and said 'Madam' and I instantly left. I was in the toilet because it contained the most amazing urinal I've ever seen. It was incredible. An entire wall of water - floor to ceiling waterfall for men to go to town on. What an amazing answer to the uncompromising childish stupidity of men folk. The inventor of this collosus must have sat down and thought through the usual problems of men peeing -

* They do it where they shouldn't,
* They cannot aim,
* No one uses the middle urinal,
* They like to compete...

And come up with this most perfect of all answers! Gone were the miniature white flower pots of widdly capture. And in their place stands a shrine to all interesting ways you could possibly want to splash your wang in public -

Do you want to see how high up a wall you can pee?
USE 'WALL TOILET' for only £9.99 from all Robert Dyas superstores...

Do you want to pretend you're spray painting your name in wee across a wall?
USE 'WALL TOILET' for complete flexibility in your reach and range...

Do you want to pretend you're Daniel Day Lewis in Last of the Mohicans?
USE 'WALL TOILET' but please refrain from jumping in afterwards.


Few things have ever excited me as much as this feat of engineering. Although, it does sadden me a lot that the equivalent for women just wouldn't work. It would have to be a sort of, mini paddling pool on the floor. Which would be very reminiscent of the toddlers area at a swimming pool. No one wants to see lots of middle aged women squatting ankle deep in an amber spa with their John Lewis skirt hitched up around the middle. It's much harder to write your name when peeing as a girl - it's not impossible but you do have to have pretty chipper hips.


Architecture and interior design have reached pretty phenomenal heights when we put this much effort and creativity into wizz recepticals. Will there be a point when men are so bored with their todgers, and marketers so desperate to please them, that urinals will come with attachments so you can choose the force of your spray?

Would you prefer a fine mist or a drizzle?

I can only imagine this leading to an uncomfortable point where it all goes a little too far and they begin giving us play dough shape cutters to make number 2s more interesting too. Children of the next generation will become so fussy that they'll be constipated on cue if mummy hasn't washed up the star shaped poop dispenser to drop the coco pops off at the pool.

Ok, so maybe my imagination runs away a little and we might be spared this rash of irrelevant ablution aids. But did we ever imagine 50 years ago there would be a day when we were addicted to Facebook status updates and children would be so wilfull over what they eat that they're obese at 6?

If we're not careful there will be some very poo filled children in years to come throwing a wobbly in ASDA because 'the one that makes it look like spaghetti' is at home in the dishwasher and he doesn't 'want to do a boring log one'.