Nissle Tapples

Well...Burlesque.

Ahem.

Well, let's face it I was never going to have a rip roaring time was I? Let's start with the good bits...it wasn't a class so I didn't have to learn any dances myself.

This did mean I had to sit and watch a show. It's going to be difficult to describe last night without coming across as either -
a) Bitchy through feminine rivalry
b) As uptight as a Daily Mail reader caught stroking a fox and bewilderdedly admitting 'Wild animals are...not tame?!'
c) A mean puce that looks down on people.

So...here goes. Now, these girls had a lot of balls. Not literally, otherwise this would have been a very different Burlesque show. But they were very brave - and had some good moves. Unfortunately, the first half was a little bit like watching the popular girls at your school doing their new dance to 'Toxic' at every school assembly you were ever made to suffer...

It wasn't that anything about it was poor - it was just nakey dancing. Although with added sequins. Being not the sort of person that particularly enjoys watching female strippers I was mildly uncomfortable...but ploughed on in the name of research. Ah, the blessedv excuse used by many a married man over time.

The second half was where it all picked up! One of the dancers sang us a song and boy could she dance...hells yeah! Was freaking amazing. And really nice not to end the number with a man walking roudn the stage gathering feathers and stockings. The problem is, once you've seen one girl put a long glove off with her teeth...you sort of know how it works. If she were to take the glove off, pull a rabbit out of it, catapult the rabbit off into space using her G string and then wink at me with bright red lipstick, I'd be more impressed.

The definite highlight was Miss Laurie Hagen who was a guest star of the show. A delightful mix of mime, Chaplin-esque dancing and the sort of strip tease that was cheeky without vulgarity. Definitely something I'd watch again. Like Liza Minelli's less crazy, more spunky love child.


The bit that really got me was the finale. A great number, lots of fun songs and lots of good costumes. But, at the end...we have our heroines all lined up front of stage with tassles galore and lovely pants on. And then they start what I can only describe as a 'boob shimmy' and all these boobs are suddenly revolving like a Rolex on speed. All perfectly in time, all spinning in lovely concentric circles.

I panicked.

This is definitely not something I'll ever be able to do. Is this something I should be able to do? I can't help but think if I even attempted to do that one of my boobs would be heading for Tescos and the other would be raising it's (metaphorical) eyebrow at me as if to say 'what the hell are we trying to do now?'...

"Well, Lefty," I would reply, "We're supposed to be able to do this apparently...it's what we do with you now...it's a spin class for mammaries!"

And Lefty would sigh, resign himself to my latest hare brained scheme and begin fervently hoping that one day I reproduce so he'll have a half decent purpose in life.