As the economic crisis starts to lie its tired head back down on the rug of England's history, researchers have finally been able to pinpoint the cause of the consumer spending shrink.
"It turns out people think there is absolutely nothing worth buying on the high street." said Professor Staton Thobvious, 56, of the University of Media Studies Degrees. "Have you been in a shop lately? Was there a single item in there that didn't ask you to Calm Down and Do Something Irrelevant? Why would anyone purchase these items? The fact that Britain has seen a sharp decline in consumer spending is a testament to the good taste of the British people. Thank God no one went so far as to start putting slogans on bread packaging or we'd all have starved to death."
"I first began to hypothesise on the subject when a car drove past me a few months ago with a bumper sticker that read, Keep Calm and Adopt a Greyhound." continues Professor Staton Thobvious, 5'8", who was born and raised on a playground in Philadelphia. "I immediately began to wonder exactly how soothing adopting a greyhound could possibly be for a person who must have been suffering a certain degree of panic to have been asked to calm down in the first place. One wonders the knock on effect of these actions when the poor person, now calmed and in possession of a greyhound, returns home to find their baffled partner standing at the door asking, "Whose is that greyhound?" It seemed to me that stress levels would begin to soar at that point as the poor person desperately tried to explain that once calm, he had been instructed to adopt a greyhound. Should the argument escalate, one has to assume the panicked person would have to adopt another greyhound to calm down again, leading to an infinite cycle of fear and greyhound adoption."
"What happens if one should need to calm down, and one happens to already be a greyhound? And not in a stable relationship with a dependable career? Starting an adopted family when you're already a single, unemployed greyhound seems morally reprehensible and not in the least bit sensible to someone trying to calm down."
According to Professor Staton Thobvious, 10st 5, who trained in from his home in Kent rather than taking the bus this morning, the economy has been kept vaguely afloat through this tricky period of tat solely by female relations who are unsure of what to buy family members for upcoming celebrations.
"A mother or aunty who is struggling to know what to buy a relative for their upcoming birthday or Christmas present feels very at home with the Keep Calm or similar products that one sees on the High Street these days. She will think, 'Ooh, my nephew David has a moustache. And that helpful Thermos flask there says Keep Calm and Look at a Moustache on it. David must love it and David will carry it on the train with him.' and she will innocently buy the item not realising the damage she is causing to the economic environment."
Sadly, Professor Staton Thobvious, 01273 227765, thinks there is worse still to come in the forecast for the British Population. "Whilst we will see a return to products fit for human purchase in stores in the coming months, too little has been done to stem the tide of unwanted Christmas gifts that twentysomethings can expect this year." January will be a month of many people trying to lose knitwear, shrinking tea towels, and burning down houses that have been affected by this gift taste abyss. Even charity shops will be unlikely to want the stick on moustache finger tattoos that seemed like such a good idea on Christmas Eve when your Aunt May wrapped them up for you.
"It's clear that this period of history is going to be very hard to decipher for historians in years to come. They will think we were a panicked nation, very jumpy, who needed constant reminders to go about our day without throwing ourselves under something sharp."
If you, or someone you know, has been affected by nuisance tat in anyway, remember, it's important to cut off these so called friends who are buying it and show them that you in no way wish to be affiliated with their limited intelligence behaviours. All it takes for evil to succeed is for a few good men to continue hanging out with a friend despite them wearing a hoodie that combines a Big Bang Theory quote with a 1940s war poster.