I Banged My Head

I had a pretty serious bang to the head today. It's put me in a pretty bad mood, and so I've decided to be a bit snappy about some things at the Fringe that are really pissing me off:

1. Please can someone create a burger that will smell as good as a regular burger when it's being cooked but that will not give me the figure of a darts player after 2 weeks of solid eating.

2. Could someone tell every comedian at the festival that they have reviewers at every single show: it's called the audience. The poor fuckers that have actually bought a ticket. Surely you have noticed whether or not these bastards are laughing at you every day, if they are - don't let a patronising, poorly imagined review by one person (who didn't pay for the show and didn't particularly want to see it) undermine your confidence in what you know is working every day.

3. Could someone please tell every reviewer at the festival that their job is not to:

   a) give away as many punchlines as possible so that the review is funny

   b) retell the plot of the show with no opinions or extra information to add

   c) grade it as either funny or not regardless of what the audience were doing, phrases like "everyone in the room was roaring with laughter but they were quite clearly wrong" just make you look like a bell end. Why not say what it was like, what you thought and who it might be good or bad for so that the review has a purpose other than to humiliate the performer or make you look intellectual.

4. Is there any chance of getting a medical professional to look at my head?

5. Running a youth theatre company whose "Flyering on the Royal Mile" strategy is "Hey, let's put all the men in suits and the girls in skimpy clothing." is creepy and seriously undermines the integrity of your show if you have to resort to that to get people in.

6. Please may I go home now, I am tired and my head hurts.

7. Where are the cheap Subway flyers that I lived off last year?

8. Does anyone have any spare money?

9. Could someone please tell every flyerer on the mile that I do not want to partake in a "swapsy" of our flyers. My aim when flyering is to get people to come and see my show, not to get rid of my flyers as quickly as possible to people who have no interest in coming to see the show. Shove your swapsy.

10. I need a cuddle.