Dear People Popularly Known As The Saturdays and Girls Aloud,
I was reading throuh trashy 'news' on the internet when I encountered an article where you muse on the concept of teaming up to make 'music' together. My initial gut reaction to this news was fast and acidy, but after hastily swallowing and having a glass of milk to calm my lurching stomach I read on to see what the benefits of this coalition would be. Obviously, I had already noted down that you would all be in one convenient location should the ghosts of Jeff Buckley and Elvis want to get together and shout at you for collectively pissing on the memory of good music.
I didn't have to wait long before one of you, probably the pretty skinny one, had enlightened me on why this collaboration would be the best thing to happen to a treble cleff since sliced staves:
‘Imagine – there’d be loads of us,’ said The Sats’ Frankie Sandford.
‘When we were watching their shows we thought it was amazing, so it would be great if they got back together and did a tour or something. That is lovely isn't it? Absolutely no hard feelings, unless you want to read into the slightly sinister "or something" just tacked on the end there... What on earth could the or something mean? Not that I'm saying the contents of Girls Aloud are limited to a small repertoire of abilities, I hear one of the blonde ones can almost play a harmonica without choking on it, and the brown haired one who wears dresses and heels can sometimes smile and sing at the same time. I really feel the snideness of The Sats (sic) should be left behind if they're going to truly embrace this "supergroup".
As a feminist, I feel it's incredibly important for young girls to have effective female role models. Having all 21 (I am hazy on the actual numbers involved) of the two groups standing on the stage at the same time would be a fantastic reminder to our youth that if you are attractive and willing to publicise every detail of your unsatisfying love life, you can go far in this world no matter what you're birthright. It's great to know that we can use televised talent contests as our "one shot" to the life we want, and, should we fail, it wasn't really our fault anyway so there's no point in trying to get where we want using a slow grind in obscurity. Girl power.
Basically, what I'm saying here, ladies, is that I couldn't be more pleased for you in your new venture. I feel you've had a contribution to music unrivalled so far by anyone above Year 4 in an English state school. Kudos on that - I certainly have done nothing as successful as you, and am unlikely to so as long as I have a desire for originality and keeping my clothes on due to the occasional carbohydrate that sneaks onto the celery I eat morning noon and night. Not that I think there's anything wrong with displaying an unhealthy level of attention to appearance above health. Wait a minute, I was lying in that last sentence.
Have fun - we all love karaoke and it's great that you've been able to make such a successful living out of it. If I could just ask, though, perhaps when you have combined the almighty weight of all 1600 of you, perhaps we could release the music without fanfare? See how it fares when it's just the music... just, you know, so you aren't disappointed when you find out you've sold more plastic look a like dolls than singles.