Father and Son

"I told you to get a real job. Get a degree I said - it'll set you up in life."

"Dad, I didn't need one. I was doing well..."

"Doing well? Smarming about making a living off having famous parents doesn't constitute doing well my boy. It makes you a posh ass hole."

"Dad, I'm a great public speaker! People love me!"

"Fantastic. I'm so glad people love you for being charming. You are about as useful as the cast of Made in Chelsea. You've never done a day's work in your life. I'm so disappointed in you."

"No, you don't understand. I was really making a difference. I had these dedicated followers who were working with me to..."

"You had a boyband."

"No, we didn't sing..."

"You didn't even sing? What kind of a boyband doesn't even sing?"

"We weren't a boyband..."

"You were a boyband."

"How many boybands do you know that have 13 members."

"So Solid."

"Fine, I'll give you that... but we weren't a boyband."

"Well, you certainly didn't get round to inventing football did you? What kind of bloke organises regular get togethers of 13 men and doesn't organise a kick about? I suppose it must be quite tough since you're all wearing dresses."

"It's the fashion, Dad. It's pretty hot where we were."

"You've always got an excuse haven't you? Have you got any idea how this looks to the neighbours? I'm a laughing stock having my son moving back in at the age of 35. It's embarassing."

"Loads of people my age have to move back in with their parents as a stop gap..."

"Hercules didn't! Do you have any idea what Zeus has been saying about me behind my back? Hercules managed to make a success of himself despite being orphaned and losing all his powers. You had my entire backing, foster parents AND miracle powers. How did you manage to screw it up?"

"I haven't screwed it up. It's all part of my plan, I'm going to go away for a bit and then magically reappear when they've really been missing me."

"Oh, Jesus Christ!"

"Yes, Dad?"

"Don't be facetious. So your master plan is to stage a comeback tour?"

"Not a tour..."

"And what's your master plan until then? Hey? Hang around here sponging off me until you decide you want to go back? How very mature. This isn't a hotel you know, you can't just come and go as you please. I don't want to be washing your dirty socks until you're 40."

"That is ridiculous. I famously don't even wear socks"

"I don't care. I want you to get back down there and have another go. You won't learn anything if you always bail when things get a little bit tough."


"A little bit tough?! Dad! THEY NAILED ME TO A FUCKING CROSS?"

"Well..."


"Are you listening to me? They nailed me to a wooden cross and just left me there until I had the good sense to shut my eyes and go quiet."

"Well..."


"Hercules didn't have to deal with this shit."

"Hercules fought monsters."


"Yeah, and his Dad was all ticker tape and vuvuzelas supporting him as he beat the shit out of stuff. I've got the power to bring people back from the dead and heal the blind and the lepers and you had me preaching all this "Meek people are the bomb" nonsense. Then they nailed me to a sodding cross, not even teak may I add, and you made me just suck it up and pretend like I meant this to happen."

"Well, we're trying this new approach to being a deity. It's modern and stuff..."


"Modern? It's bullshit that's what it is. Sitting in the desert not eating for 40 days at a time? Have you seen the size of Buddha? Why can't we do that?"

"We're anti-Greed. It's our policy."


"Well, I'm not sure we've got it right to be honest. There has been a pretty intense spike in the number of dead babies since we got started. I'm worried that's not going to go down well with the lefties."

"The dead babies have been unfortunate but marketing are on it and I'm pretty sure Herod and Pharoah are going to come out of it worse than us."


"Well they better bloody do, I GOT NAILED TO A CROSS."

"It's a striking image."


"Oh brilliant, so even the people who like me are going to be rubbing it in my face. This is like Elvis fans wearing a toilet on a chain round their neck. It's disrespectful."

"You have a bad attitude. This conversation is finished. Go and help your mother in the kitchen."


"Don't give me that shit. We both know there are no women up here. Your bread and fish will be ready in half an hour."