Saturday, January 7, 2012

Under Where?

Today I attempted to do something I don't often do... I tried to go lingerie shopping. I felt quite out of place the second I stepped through the door and decided I vastly preferred the flannel pyjamas to the leopard print basque. However, I was on a mission to try something new and thought I would plough on with the expedition...

I swallowed my usual nervousness towards putting myself out there and admitting to trying to be sexy and started gathering teddies and basques and bras and various lace contraptions.

With 5 enticing garments in each hand I thought I ought to hit the changing room... it was going to be exciting, it was going to be like some kind of excellent parade of fleshy bits resulting in the most perfect "outfit" (?) and self esteem bursting out of the seams. Hurrah!

I tried on the first one... it was interesting in that I hated it as soon as it was on me. It was far too long and not really designed for us curvacious ladies. Never mind, thought I, next one...

I tried the next one on but unfortunately it had a contraption on the front that was designed to choke you on your own mammaries. Within the first 7 seconds I had one boob lodged under my chin like an adam's apple in a serious allergic reaction, the other one was nuzzling my ear and looking slightly preposterous surrounded with fluff and bits of material that I could only imagine would be quite difficult to get past should your suitor be attracted to the idea of boobs strapped around your head. This one wasn't going to work either.

The next in the line made me look like some kind of child trying to be a princess and just looking very wrong and weird in the process. Horrific.

Now, I was all ready to give up at this point... having had several clasps stuck in my hair in the changing process and almost at the point where I couldn't even remember where boobs were supposed to go, I thought I ought to maybe just admit that any future men of mine are going to have to make do with a vest and a vague brushing of the hair before bed.


...but, then I found one of the most miraculous things I have ever found in my life. A dimmer switch in the changing room. Utter genius. The result of an absolute angelic piece of thought... "No woman in her right mind is going to think she actually looks good enough in this stuff to pay these prices... so let's let her see herself in the dark so that it doesn't matter anyway! That way she'll be thrilled about parting with her pay cheque for something she doesn't want to be seen in."

Absolutely incredible marketing device.

I left empty handed and decided instead to pay my rent this month instead of buying pants. It seemed logical to me to just hang on to my original flannels and hope that my future men are content with being allowed to touch a real woman and not be diappointed at the lack of armour keeping various body parts in place.

The shop I was in was La Senza which is obviously on its way down the toilet at the moment - I think it's an interesting industry to be in. I think I believe men couldn't really give a toss about underwear generally speaking, so it's really a shop designed to sell women things they want to wear because they think men want them to... so you need a product that looks like it will appeal to a man so that it will appeal to a woman. Difficult. I think they peaked with the dimmer switch personally.


  1. On Christmas Eve Eve I got a text from my girlfriend informing me that her Bra had broken and she urgently needed me to buy her a new one. She text me the exact, specific size and type. Without going into detail it was size: 'Massive', type: 'can contain massive'. I went to M&S, I spent 45 minutes being puzzled and panicked in the lingerie section. I was terrified someone would see me. I was terrified to ask for help. THERE ARE SO MANY BRAS, but apparently only for specifically shaped ladies. It was terrifying. I kept hiding behind the racks when people waled past.I realised I was living the Father Ted Christmas special. I bought literally the only bra of appropriate size and style in the entire of Oxford St Marks and Spencers, avoided eye contact with the shop assistant. Made eye contact with shop assistant. Told shop assistant story with added jokes. Realised I was flirting with bra shop lady while buying my girlfriend her specific Bra in an hour of need 2 days before Christmas, and ran away feeling drained and weirdly exhilarated.

    So it turns out men find underwear exciting after all.

  2. Woah there for a second Marc - do you mean to say that your girlfriend possesses only one bustenhalter?!

  3. Matt- To elaborate, she was out having dinner with her family when the wiring in her current boobholder broke, I was meeting her after dinner to go to the theatre and it was easier to buy one than to go home. I hope that clarifies the position.

  4. Wow. I did think it was made up. Can I see a screenshot of the text you received? LOL