Today I attempted to do something I don't often do... I tried to go lingerie shopping. I felt quite out of place the second I stepped through the door and decided I vastly preferred the flannel pyjamas to the leopard print basque. However, I was on a mission to try something new and thought I would plough on with the expedition...
I swallowed my usual nervousness towards putting myself out there and admitting to trying to be sexy and started gathering teddies and basques and bras and various lace contraptions.
With 5 enticing garments in each hand I thought I ought to hit the changing room... it was going to be exciting, it was going to be like some kind of excellent parade of fleshy bits resulting in the most perfect "outfit" (?) and self esteem bursting out of the seams. Hurrah!
I tried on the first one... it was interesting in that I hated it as soon as it was on me. It was far too long and not really designed for us curvacious ladies. Never mind, thought I, next one...
I tried the next one on but unfortunately it had a contraption on the front that was designed to choke you on your own mammaries. Within the first 7 seconds I had one boob lodged under my chin like an adam's apple in a serious allergic reaction, the other one was nuzzling my ear and looking slightly preposterous surrounded with fluff and bits of material that I could only imagine would be quite difficult to get past should your suitor be attracted to the idea of boobs strapped around your head. This one wasn't going to work either.
The next in the line made me look like some kind of child trying to be a princess and just looking very wrong and weird in the process. Horrific.
Now, I was all ready to give up at this point... having had several clasps stuck in my hair in the changing process and almost at the point where I couldn't even remember where boobs were supposed to go, I thought I ought to maybe just admit that any future men of mine are going to have to make do with a vest and a vague brushing of the hair before bed.
...but, then I found one of the most miraculous things I have ever found in my life. A dimmer switch in the changing room. Utter genius. The result of an absolute angelic piece of thought... "No woman in her right mind is going to think she actually looks good enough in this stuff to pay these prices... so let's let her see herself in the dark so that it doesn't matter anyway! That way she'll be thrilled about parting with her pay cheque for something she doesn't want to be seen in."
Absolutely incredible marketing device.
I left empty handed and decided instead to pay my rent this month instead of buying pants. It seemed logical to me to just hang on to my original flannels and hope that my future men are content with being allowed to touch a real woman and not be diappointed at the lack of armour keeping various body parts in place.
The shop I was in was La Senza which is obviously on its way down the toilet at the moment - I think it's an interesting industry to be in. I think I believe men couldn't really give a toss about underwear generally speaking, so it's really a shop designed to sell women things they want to wear because they think men want them to... so you need a product that looks like it will appeal to a man so that it will appeal to a woman. Difficult. I think they peaked with the dimmer switch personally.