So I'm finally back in London after a mammoth 2 weeks away looking at various beautiful haunts across the South of England. I've been to Tesco, made a cup of tea and settled down on the sofa to put in some serious working hours when my house mate tells me to be careful because someone on our street got mugged at machete point a few days ago. WELCOME HOME! How much money did they get? Er, nothing actually, they were mugging for the person's shopping they had from Tesco.
I have never been more grateful to only be able to afford value mince and the fake Pringles that make your tongue hurt.
Considering I spent a large portion of my weekend in Cornwall looking at the sea and deciding I loved being a clown more than any other option available to me, this is kind of intense news to return home to. Obviously crimes are still committed out of the city, but they tend to be more of the crazy person being crazy kind of crime. Taking a machete out every night on the off chance someone has been stocking up on Fererro Rocher seems a little intense if you ask me.
I'm pretty glad I did my shopping before I got told this or I probably wouldn't have bought the Radox shower gel. It was on special offer but there's no way the machete man would have known that.
I think this means it might be time to arm myself. Obviously I have no idea where I might be able to get weapons from so I'm going to have to improvise. Possibly with talcum powder and a mini fan. That seems safer and a little more mysterious. I don't really know the difference between a machete and an axe so I think blowing the talcum powder into the eyes and then running away in sensible shoes seems a lot more up my street.
It does worry me that, come the apocalypse, this will be the normal run of things. Obviously, we'll all be fighting each other to go and loot the Tesco, rather than waiting for someone else to do the shop, but I still feel like I'm going to die early on. Unless I can get a small team of looters to elect me the Splinter to their Turtles, then I don't rate my chances of survival being high.
Being slightly on the wrong side of crazy myself means I plan my moves for the post Armageddon years most days. The most important things are that I have some form of map (paper - not requiring batteries) and sensible shoes good enough to walk to Somerset from wherever I am. These are the basics. If possible I need enough food to walk for a few days and hopefully a jumper so I can sleep if I need to. If I don't have a jumper then I'll need the right facial expressions to make friends with an owl so I can sleep in the nest while it's out hunting.
Obviously though that is slightly further away than my current predicament, which is how to protect my pop tarts from a machete wielding maniac. Answers on the back of a post card please...